It is a cold Sunday morning here. We went from 60's back to 40's, even though it's supposed to be 70 later this week.
I feel like my cold is back, and it doesn't seem like it ever really left. I dont know what it is--but it seems like I haven't felt completely right in a month. Maybe longer.
I had a great weekend. I really like my softball teammates, well, the ones I met on Friday anyway. We are a team entirely of new people, and I was surprised that most of them have lived here for a long time. I thought it would be maybe all new people to the area too. I was also pleasantly surprised that no one seemed like a hardcore athlete :) It's a good mix of guys and girls, and we're all roughly the same age. Our first practice is Saturday, and I made plans to go throw the ball around with some of them at some point this week.
We drank a few together, and there was a promotional thing going on there at the bar and reps for Sam Adams (the beer) were there and they kept giving it to us for free. It helped to break the ice between us, and we compared stories together and I noticed from reading between the lines that most of us were just simply looking for something to do and more people to meet. It made me think of that line in "Piano Man"--they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone.
And it was definitely better than drinking alone, and then I went to meet a friend of mine to continue the night. That turned out to be alot of fun too, and I spent Saturday just around the house. I went out to watch a little basketball, and came home and called it a fairly early night.
This morning, though, I woke up with my old friend--the Sunday Sadness. It's gray, it's cold, so-and-so didn't text me back last night, should I really break up with W (it's better than drinking alone), why am I always sick, and why is my face breaking out again?
I got myself in a really good place - emotionally, mentally, physically - around the fall of last year. Now it's spring, and it's slipping away again...I still have it, but I am not sure what's on the horizon.
For the last several weeks, I've woken up in the middle of the night in panic attacks. I wake up with a pounding heart (around 3:30 or 4), with all my fears and stressors running amok in my mind. I am having strange dreams, nightmares really, but I can't remember them the next day. I lay awake until about 6, and then fall hard back to sleep and sleep through my alarm at 7. I wake up in a panic around 7:45, shower and get ready in 20 hurried minutes, and then sprint to the metro (hey....I'm exercising at least), and make it to work fifteen minutes late where I drag through the day. Then rev up at night, go to sleep late, and do the same thing over again.
This has got to stop, and I don't know what to do to fix it.
I'm re-reading a book by Don Miller (Emily knows where this is going now). It's his first book, and it's about the first time he left home and his journey with his friend across the country.
This book inspires different things in me at different times, and it seems especially poignant now, when I just made a move myself.
But....it makes me long for the kind of adventure that I am needing so desperately in my life. I realized this morning as I sat in a coffee shop with my bagel and tea, that I haven't had a vacation since 2002. I have constantly worked from the minute I graduated college, and I have never taken any of my vacation time to go do anything fun except go home to Kentucky or visit a friend or something over a long weekend. I've never taken a week off. Never.
Now, I know many many people are in the same boat. And its partly my fault--because it's like...where would I go? What would I do? I have no significant other to run off with, no friends who are really quite as free as I am to just up and take a week at the beach with me.
I am longing for just a break. I want to turn off my blackberry and disappear and have adventures and not worry about where I need to be tomorrow. Or what will happen in six months. I want to stop waking up with panic attacks and I want to stop thinking about certain people, and I want to stop spending money hand over fist just to pay the bills.
I want to roam around and meet new people and leave the country for awhile. I have wanted this for SO long. I want to go to Austrailia, or Africa, or Alaska and just GO.
I just freakin got here to DC. I don't want to turn around and leave again. That's not what I mean, or what I want. I just want to STOP for a minute. No--for more than a minute. I want to not feel sick anymore. I want my face to stop breaking out again because I KNOW its just a manifest of the stress I feel inside.
So I am doing what I can today, to be ok. I went to the farmers market and got potatoes, eggs and homemade organic probiotic yogurt to put in smoothies for my breakfasts this week. I did my errands early, ate my bagel and read my book, and put clean pajama's back on when I got home (yes, it's only noon....)
I am going to cook chicken and potatoes today, for my dinners this week. Freeze up veggie soup for my lunches and clean the kitchen, drink tea and do the laundry. I might turn off my phone and be quiet, or maybe not.
I will turn up the music, and dream of adventures that maybe one day, I will have.