Thursday, March 19, 2009

Walking and Balking

I have taken to walking around.

During my lunch hour one day, I felt the urge to I did. I got up, and instead of getting in my car to go home for lunch or sitting down at my desk with a frozen dinner or sandwich, I just put on my coat and ipod and left.

I walked and walked and walked. And I've done it every day during lunch since. I toyed with the idea of walking to work (although it would take me well over an hour, most likely) but quickly dismissed that insane idea. It feels good, to get out and breath fresh air and feel like I'm doing something good for myself and moving myself around instead of sitting in my desk chair, staring at my monitor.

It's getting harder to simply sit at my desk and stare at the same beige walls every day. I am being challenged with my work, but yet I find its not good enough sometimes to quell my restlessness. I am fidgeting; tapping my hands, swinging my legs, breaking my pens. I'm not sure what the pent-up energy is other than a brighter sunshine outside with the turn of the seasons beginning to peek through. It's my absolute favorite kind of weather...sunny and 60. Perfect. Cool enough so I can walk for an hour and not be too sweaty to go back to work and warm enough that I don't need a heavy coat.

This walking makes me think, allows me to explore my thoughts in a more objective way when I am out among people in the sunshine--it's more scary to delve into self-reflection when you're alone at night and it's easier for darkness to fall into your heart instead of just outside your windows.

I find myself very surprised to be where I am in my life, and I spend alot of time talking to God. No--more like imploring to God. I'm not even sure what I want in return other than a frantic plea to somehow show me what I'm "supposed" to be doing. Maybe I'm actually doing it, and he's up there rolling his eyes that I still somehow think there's 'more' to life than making a living, having enough to eat and people around me to love.

When I walk, I walk in circles around the same city blocks, which I find very metaphorical and sometimes makes me giggle to think of the irony. I'm sure the people on the street just think I'm one more crazy person, laughing at the voices in my head...maybe I am :)

Circling the blocks, circling through the day-to-day routines that define me and confine me.

I listen to Patty Griffin when I walk.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Connection and Peace

I admire people who blog every day--no, I adore them. For example, the insightful and hilarious Ms. Moon, who updates very nearly every day before noon, which I greatly appreciate since I need something light to read when I'm on my lunch break along with the online, often depressing, daily news. I wish I could write like that every day. It's somewhat of an issue of time, since I can't do any blogging during work and I'm often not in the mood to write late at night when I'm at home winding down for the night. I think of all these great things during the day that I'd love to write about, but by the time I'm on the couch, I'm too tired to write them all out.

But I wish I could. I wish I could make myself do it every single day, like the way I wish I could make myself work out at the gym every single day. I like my workouts, I love the feeling's just putting my shoes on and getting in the car that is the toughest step. I enjoy writing and I feel satisfied when I'm done too, not because it's a chore but because I know it's good for me to get things out in the open. To connect with others, since I am somewhat of a loner at heart.

But lately, I have been thinking a lot about connection, internet connection to be exact and Facebook to be very exact. I am beginning to suffer a bit from well, information overload from Facebook.

Alot of articles have been written about the wonders and joys of Facebooking--and I don't want to be redundant. Yes, it is fascinating that a set of status updates can include your sister, your high school best friend, your old colleague, some guy from college that you would barely speak to on the street, and Barack Obama. Yes, it is somewhat boring to see the constant stream of Friday status updates of "So and so is so ready for the weekend" and the Monday status updates of "So and so isn't happy it's Monday!" And no, I really don't ever care to know what every friend on my socially-networked world is having for lunch.

But here is what gets me: when these status updates replace actual human interaction altogether, when I find out major news from people I care about via Facebook and when I find out that my online world may just be becoming a bit TOO small.

For example, in the last week alone, here are three titles this blog could have been based on my Facebook experiences:

1) My grandmother is now my Facebook friend
2) Facebook told me that my sister is getting married
3) Facebook told me my cousin is pregnant


Now, it should be noted that my sister (who is my step-sister, technically) is marrying a guy she has dated for about 5 weeks now, and I dont know if the rest of the family knows or not. So Facebook has presented me with a huge challenge--start the famiily drama? Plead ignorance and pretend I haven't seen this news (and tell my mother on the side and swear her to secrecy)? Dont tell anyone?

Thanks Facebook, for giving me one more stressor in my life. Thanks.

And it's not only the big stuff...I find myself relying on my online life more and more. It's different than when I was young and cruised the chat rooms because it was all so neat and cool--it's sending an email or Facebook message when I could really just pick up the phone. Checking my email 15 times a day, logging on and off Facebook a zillion times a day to see who is online, etc. I spend my whole workday staring at a computer screen in between dealing with the everyday drama's of the day...and now I realize I'm in such a habit of doing the same thing with my nights.

Sometimes it all just feels like too much. And I need to take a BIG step back.

In other news, a thunderstorm is brewing here. A send-off to a good, sunny, warm weekend that for me, was filled with two kids' birthday parties on Saturday and lots of family time outside which is always fun. I cleaned out some closets today and my Mom came up to help me do that and take some of my winter stuff to store at her house. A full, productive weekend, and I'm pretty content here now on the couch :) I'm going to put in a movie, light some candles, maybe have a glass of wine and watch the storm roll in--and be grateful for a peaceful night.