Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Every Day

Every day feels frantic.

I’ve entered the point where I was when I moved here, almost 4 years ago. And when I moved away from DC the first time, 8 years ago. And when I graduated college and moved to DC, 10 years ago.

What was senior-itis apparently transitioned into stagnant-itis with every few years bringing pretty seismic shifts in my life. Leading up to them was this anxious, frenzied feeling of quiet desperation (I know that sounds dramatic but it’s the best way I can think to put it) of “Something is going to change, it’s going to change in a big way, but I don’t know when/what/where and how any of it will occur.”

4 years ago, I actually went to the doctor and got on anti-depressants which I JUST weaned off of this summer. I was well past the point of actually needing them, and basically just was taking them to avoid the side effects. But that’s all done now, and I don’t feel that they’re needed to weather this similar….transition, whatever it may be.

4 years ago was different; I was different. I am a very, very different person than I was when I moved here, and that’s a very good thing.

My job is not going well. Beyond the government shutdown—has anyone heard the government is shutdown?—and the rollout of Obamacare—have you heard that some people don’t like that?—and the nitty-gritty work that we are in the middle of with health IT—you probably, actually, haven’t heard of that—things feel confusing and smothering and mad. Just mad. Mad crazy and plain mad, with my  blood pressure constantly on the rise.

Does anyone watch “The Middle?” The littlest kid, Brick, has a tic where he whispers under his breath what he is thinking or the last word he says. I’ve developed a Brick-like tic where I whisper “Fuckers” every single time I see John Boehner on TV and whoever he happens to be with. Add Michelle Bachmann to that list. And Eric Cantor. Fuckers. Life-alterers and destroyers and laughing all the way to the bank when this is all over with their book deals and TV gigs. Fuckers.

My health is also not going well. My cholesterol is up, my blood sugar was too elevated, etc etc. Doctor’s orders were a low-carb, high protein diet so I’m trying to figure out what the hell I’m going to eat. For an insane moment, I thought of using my blog to document my food and exercise. Then I realized that that would make me want to kill myself, as that is just so boring and I wouldn’t do that to you faithful few who come around to hear my thoughts. Like those are so exciting!

Every day, I look for jobs in Louisville, or in cities in Tennessee, North Carolina and South Carolina. I would move within that radius. I don't necessarily want to move "home" right smack in the middle of my family, but I  want to stay within a day's drive of them. I want to get to where I can get a patch of dirt. I want a home. I want to put down some roots. I love my leaky basement apartment in the most historic neighborhood in DC. But I can't live there forever.

I see dozens of jobs I could qualify for easily, right here in DC but they’re few and far between anywhere else. They’re there. They just take time and work to find, and for better or worse, my life has been here and focused nationally. It’s hard to pick someone like that who isn’t in tune with a state’s government, political players, and whole environment. But I’m trying.

Every day, I don’t see much. I apply for what I do see. I don’t date (what’s the point?), I play softball with my various co-ed teams, I come home, I get drinks with friends, I take out the trash and toss the cat in the air and catch him when I come home (he … loves it). And every day I feel like at any point, it’s all going to stop and change.

Something is. What? When?

Every day.