Thursday, January 30, 2014

The Separation

Forward, to the side, together

My life has revolved around my friendships for a very long time.  As I've gotten older, my life has started to evolve around them evolving--I have seemingly stood still in comparison to many, although in my heart of hearts I know that is not true. I have grown too, and whatever changes have occurred in my relationships have been both in my control and partly of my doing.

It is hard, being 32, and watching your friends not just have weddings and babies -- but be in marriages that have gone on for years, with children in school. (It's just as hard watching your sisters do this, too). Some of them would maybe argue that it is hard being 32, and watching me live a life entirely of my own making, direction and having no demands other than those I make for me.

My two best friends from high school and I are used to this. I was in one of their weddings this summer, and met the other's new baby also this summer, and I haven't really spoken to either one since. We keep in touch online and the occasional phone call but that's it. There is an ease there that I think only the very lucky have - we don't have to be in each other's day to day lives to stay close simply because we've learned that dynamic to be the norm for so many years. Though lately, I've been feeling those absences more than I have in the past.

For my more recently acquired friends in my adult life, that's not the case. We don't have years and years of background together to know without a doubt that if we don't talk for months, no big deal.

My best friend is one I've referenced many times on this blog through the years, even at times when it wasn't obvious I was referring to her. She was a major part of my life when I was in Lexington--which, as crazy as it sounds, was almost five years ago. We've stayed as close as we probably could after I moved and she stayed behind in Kentucky.

I'm still reluctant to talk about her and what caused us to break all those years ago and we've tried to mend throughout this time. I still have a paranoia that people in my "real/offline" life secretly read this blog (which is pretty ridiculous) and I don't want to drag her name through the mud. In a nutshell -- when I met her, she was on her second marriage and she had 3 kids and her mom living with her. 2 dogs and a vibrant household. Things were deteriorating with the marriage and 2 of the kids were difficult teenagers and, and, and. I was (am) ten years younger than her, so this put me at 25. 25 and still very scarred from my volatile home life and family, and I started sinking into their dynamic.

She met another man, and I went along for that ride. I watched the family break and I watched her break from me as she pursued this relationship. I had very mixed feelings about everything and I even voiced to her that all of this was over my pay grade, to use a work term. I was too young. I was too naive in the ways of relationships -- I didn't know what in the hell I was talking about when I was engaged in these spirals down. I had never been married; I had barely had a boyfriend I halfway liked.

I moved away; her relationship with this man evolved. They are now engaged. When she told me of her engagement, I told her I was happy for her and smiled although I felt like I was sinking deep. My hands were shaking and I cried when I got in my car and drove away. I knew I was losing her in some way, but it went way deeper than that for me on a lot of levels. I was so SO bitter. In a "Well, didn't everything work out great for YOU" way when it felt (feels) like I spin my wheels relationship-wise and I am so frustrated at how easily this come for other people. I also don't like this man at all for a variety of reasons that are not blog-worthy.

Also -and this is something I still struggle with- I have no perspective on how to have a marriage and still maintain very close friendships. In this way, I am as worldly and knowledgeable as a 15 year old trying to figure out how to have a crush on a boy. I just simply don't know because I've never experienced this from the other side. I've been the one waving behind the car with Just Married on it. I'm the one left behind.

We've stayed fairly close through the years, as close as we could for being two very busy people living in different states. She travels here a few times for work a year, and we text/talk. We've kept a connection that has ebbed and flowed. We've been as close as we can considering we're one half of a pair that deeply dislikes the man who the other plans to marry, and one half very likely resentful that her best friend hates the man she's going to marry.

We haven't spoken since the fall. I was in Kentucky and I didn't call. I am willfully placing an arm between us until I can get the same emotional space as I have the physical. I need to learn how to let things go, how to let my own issues untangle from hers. I need to grow up, in some ways. I need to learn how to love with detachment. This has come naturally through mutual transitions with my older friends--and in this case, I'm the one watching and waiting for time to heal the wound. The wound that, if I am honest, I gave myself.

At the end of the day, I really miss my friend. There are soo many things that make me want to pick up the phone, but I always hesitate. And to be fair, she's not exactly reaching to me either right now. I'm not sure where this ends. Or continues.

Forward, to the side -- together?

I don't know.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Light things

Illustrations of a life.

(My New Year's Eve with a six year old)

Ice melting, perfectly parted

I work too late.


You better let somebody love you, before it's too late.

What a winter it has been. There have been so many times I've wanted to check in with each of you, and I think I've gotten a bit spoiled by being friends with many of you on Facebook. I toss out the snippets, and leave out the details, and truly only neglect myself by not coming here to augment those thoughts, little stories of my day, and so on.

So much has happened, but nothing so monumental that things are not also still the same. I sit here, blissfully alone and with no plans on a weekend and I couldn't be happier about that for now. It's been a long week and I've been on a 3 day business trip and a conference here in town and oh, met a long lost relative while I was there and then had to go to Baltimore last night (every time I'm there I smile because of the name of this blog). So, I am very very happy to be tucked away here in my apartment for these two days, just cleaning and puttering. Tonight I made chicken enchiladas, took a bubble bath and had a glass of wine.

I need to talk about so much. I need to talk about how, in December, my 3 year old nephew became so sick that he was admitted to the hospital for two weeks. I cried in my office about how I couldn't be at home. I've never felt so helpless.

I need to talk about how I went to New York City twice in December and what both of those trips -each so very very different- meant to me. I need to talk about going home for Christmas in Kentucky this year, and how it was more hard than good. And how deeply sad that made me. I need to talk about how I don't want to do to myself again.

I want to talk about how relieved I was to be back in DC, but unhappy I am at my job. How miserable I am most of the time. I want to talk about how furious I am that I feel I am being pushed out of my job by the hire of my new 'boss' when I've been doing his job and mine for the past year. I want to talk about how I'm shutting down.

I want to talk about how I sometimes think about walking away from my life completely and how everyone else seems to have it so much more together than I do. I want to talk about how I was in Kentucky for almost two weeks and saw zillions of family members and no one asked how I was. No one asked how my life is. No one. My life is full of so much, but not of husbands or children, and that limits things sometimes. And I do get that. But it is lonely. I want to talk about how my lifelong friends seem lost to me. I want to talk about how I've made new friends too in this time, and how I feel like I have a small safety net and how lucky I do.

I want to talk about how sometimes I can get too enmeshed in the blog world and the friends and life it's enabled. I want to talk about how it is simultaneously one of the biggest blessings in my life. I want to talk about how I dated someone this winter with three children, and how now that is over. His name was Owen. I want to talk about how I've gained a few more pounds I shouldn't have, and how frustrated I am that I feel like I come to my little space here to write the same things month after month, year after year. Always the same.

I am fine--truly. There's just so much to talk about.