Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The rain falls. The dryer hums. The dog upstairs runs in circles barking at the thunder. His owners chase after him. The cat lifts his head to the ceiling, then settles back down again. The TV is on, but muted, and it's 10. The hour where I hear that reasonable people go to bed during the week. The hour where I usually start to rev up -I'm a night owl. Always have been.

I took the train home tonight, shuffled with the masses, my Audible book playing from my iphone. It's been a long time since I've done the subway thing.

I came home with the first raindrops. Ate supper, put the laundry in the dryer. A quiet night. I opened my laptop to begin to work. I work every single night now. I've never been so work-busy in my entire life. The problem is -that isn't even extraordinary anymore. It's expected.

"I'm leaving now but I'll be back on around 8," I say to my boss. Sometimes I want him to protest.

He never does.

Tonight, I'm not going to work. I'm going to lay here, under the white blanket and read my book and listen to the rain.

The world will wait.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


It was a wonderful weekend.


And we spin and we spin,
as I let the world in
And we dance and we dance
as I watch the days pass.

My little poem there pretty much sums up this month for me. I honestly can't remember a busier one, and I'm so uncertain about everything that I broke out in stress acne on one side of my chin. Awesome.

Let's see. I had a friend stay here for about 3 weeks -we've been friends for so long, and even though we go such long gaps of time without seeing each other (he's a professional campaigner for democratic politics, and hops around the the country on different races), we generally can pick up where we left off. Somewhat. Knowing, too, that he is guarded  and knowing that our lives over the past ten years since we sat together sharing a desk in 2003 as summer interns in DC for the first time....well, they've changed. And we've changed.

But not so much that we didn't have three great weeks of cooking, and watching TV and reconnecting. Talks until midnight. Wondering will we/won't we? What is this?

He left mid-afternoon today, bound for another state -taking all his things with him. I didn't know. He sent me a hasty text while I was at work.

"Thanks for everything."

Gone. Abrupt.

Gone but gradually, is my best friend. The one I reference just a few posts down - we stopped communicating around the fall, and then Thanksgiving went, and Christmas hit, and I never called. And I would watch those with that easy give and take of comfort and it would hit me -I don't have a best friend anymore. Not a day-to-day one, as I did. I do have my wonderful best/forever friend, but we've been without each other for so long that our long absences don't phase us. We are just us. It's different when you lose someone that you had almost constantly.

We started reconnecting just this week. I am glad, but not glad at the same time. I have my arm out, keeping this at a distance.

It's interesting -- only in the last three years have I lost friends. Out and out lost them due to either a falling-out or an intentional separation. I've had those I've drifted from, certainly. But, it's a recent thing for me to shut people out. And even if those shutting outs have been for the best, it's still a different hat for me to wear.

Difficult, too.

But the tide ebbs and flows. Things come back even if they go away.

We can't blink.

Sunday, January 6, 2013


Oftentimes, I don't write because I think my life is too boring. The mundane, the Congressional politics, the regulations, the endless writing of healthcare specs -- then home, dinner and drink, two grumpy cats, what's on Hulu tonight? Tomorrow let's do it all again. Then I wake and say to myself as I stumble to the bathroom, "when is it going to be too much?" But I shower, make a pot of tea in the kettle of one green tea bag and one english breakfast, put the bagel in the toaster, feed the meowy cat, listening to NPR on my phone the whole time. I wonder when I got so old---NPR and green tea? Really?

I work all day and my TV is on cspan which I watch out of the corner of my eye. The interns run around, laughing, and I remember when I was one of them. I wonder if they know that sometimes I still feel 22? I'm asked important questions and sometimes don't know the answer. Find myself deferring, googling, fast talking, backward stepping.

I took a break for almost two weeks when I went to Kentucky for Christmas. All in all, it was a great trip. I wish I were the type to blog every day -I wish I could update all the time on my thoughts, so I could have that and look back. Instead, I see a blur of baby boys dancing to U2 and doing the cha-cha slide -- I see a five year old girl niece crying to me on the phone because I'm not there to sleep with her that night. I suggested she sleep with her sister instead and she sobbed back "But she doesn't smell the same as you, Aunt Steph."

I see the many glasses of milk I drank. The many, many, many arms of family members I hugged. The conversations held in the dark of night -it is so interesting to hear so many of my family's perspectives on my life. Some think I'm doing some awesome, amazing, thing by being here and others think I'm simply biding my time until I come home and buy a farm.

I have absolutely no idea what I want, almost all of the time. I do know that right now, I don't want to overthink it. I pop the bagel in the toaster, heat the tea, and put one foot in front another.

New Years Eve, I drove back to DC to avoid a winter storm. I drove, ahead of the snow, and thought about how I moved into my apartment on New Years Eve three years ago. I am home. I have another home, two states away.

Growing up, I had another home, two counties away.

I will always be torn. It will always be bittersweet.

To quote the immortal genius of Led Zeppelin...."because you know some times, words have two meanings."

Seems like all of my words do. All my thoughts -all my deepest desires.

Thanks for being here. On to 2013 -on we grow. (Thank you Mel, for this video)