Six months ago I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to have good sex. Six months ago I didn’t know what it was like to be adored. I didn’t know what it was like to cook dinner with someone every night and cuddle on the couch.
I didn’t know about having the hard conversations that would make me panic afterwards at how close we came sometimes to deciding to go our separate ways.
I didn’t know what it was like to keep holding hands after those hard conversations.
I told him the other day – you know you flipped my world upside down and inside out. In a good way, but still. I don’t know how to do relationships that are loving, equally, with a future on the horizon if I want it.
I am learning how to be someone’s girlfriend.
Six Month Snapshots
*We stopped to see my grandmother and aunt on our way back from our first weekend trip away together, and had lunch with them. He’d never met my grandmother, and he slipped his credit card to me for me to go pay for everyone’s food even though money is very tight for him right now. I walked back to the table, and see him helping my grandmother into her bright red coat as she leaned on her cane. Heart, stomach, swoop.
*Walking into the living room to see him outside on my balcony with a stolen cigarette, holding his arm at an odd outstretched angle and bending down. Looked closer to see he was holding smoke away from Allie (my cat), and gently brushing her.
*That vulnerable, almost sheepish look and small tentative smile when he got in the shower with me for the first time. The awkward way we stood for a moment, looking at each other in fluorescent unforgiving light and smiling like idiots and pretending not to notice the significance of the moment.
*Gently brushing hands through my hair and over my skin, stroking me gently to sleep every night we’re together which is more often than not these days.
(Blog-friends, I’m still here, still reading, still loving all of you)