Monday, March 24, 2014

Cups of tea I forget to drink

View of my desk, from the viewpoint of someone with their head in their arms. I am buried, deep down, in work. And at the same time, stagnant. There are decisions to be made, even if they lead to me staying at the status quo for awhile. To avoid being overly cryptic, I have another job offer on the table. No relocation, so I'd stay here. But it would involve leaving the industry I've been in for 8 years. Is it time? I also have a very tentative "offer" from another place that would come with relocation.

I'm so tired of having the same arguments in my head, with myself. I'm so tired of having to make every single decision by myself, with no one truly understanding exactly what is at stake for me, career or personal-life wise. I can see why people marry into ho-hum relationships or stay married even if it's shitty. It sucks, sometimes, having to do everything on your own. This isn't a pity party, but just a statement. I am at once jealous and dismissive of women who never had to do anything on their own.

Decisions will be made, and the world won't end. Lives won't be affected--only mine. And what does that matter?

I talked to my dad for a long time yesterday about all the decisions. I love that I have a father that wants to hear about my life. That offers to pay for things even if we make the same amount of money, and I haven't asked for a dime since college. That offers to drive up for my birthday. At the same time, it can be maddening talking to him (or to anyone in my family) because there is so little understanding and comprehension about what I do for a living. Not because they are dumb or that I am doing anything exotic, but life just simply has zoomed on and we've lost that day-to-day "oh this is my bitch coworker Debbie; I'm working on this project; I'm running this meeting tomorrow on the Hill." 

We were going back and forth, and I mentioned about how my sister's first reaction is "but won't you be bored if you move away from DC??" That seems to be so many's reaction--that I'm living in some glamorous place (ok. I kind of am. 50% amazing, 50% parking tickets). I said "I don't want to have to defend constantly my decision to leave if and when that ever comes. This is just where I live to me, not "Washington, DC." Would all of you be moaning about all my lost opportunities for entertainment if I said "Hey fam, I think I'm really ready to leave Raleigh?" For some reason, this cracked him up and made him see exactly what I mean. I said I was going to start posting more pictures of my electric bill and the city rats on Facebook, to make it seem less amazing. Deal, he said.

I had to go to the doctor this morning for some follow-up bloodwork. She was filling the vials, and I talked about how I'm having anxiety pop up again. It's been a long, long time since that happened. My doctor is remarkably un-hysterical and was pretty calm about it like, oh well, don't let it get out of control. Let me know. Which is exactly what I needed--no medicine or anything, just a stated fact. It's out there. We'll watch it.

Cabin fever! I need winter to be over. I have signed up for two softball leagues (both co-ed, same league I was in last year.) I'll get to play twice a week games and practices. I can't wait to get outside and shake off winter.

On the way to the doctor for my 730am appointment, I noticed the moon still out over the rising sun. I snapped this photo and grinned. And put it on Facebook.

I think Dad put his head in his arms, buried on his desk, and thought about his dramatic daughter living the dream she always wanted.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Blowing in the wind

I've gone quiet in this space of late, as I do when things are busy. They've been as busy as they come. I'm typing this out on my phone, killing time waiting for a friend. The friend I'm waiting for is referenced in the post a few posts down -we've gotten through this silent period and she's in town for work. It'll be good to see her--I think the separation did us good (even if she didn't even know it was intentional on my end).

I wandered around Target for about an hour. I am sitting in my car listening to a $7.99 copy of The Essential Bob Dylan that I picked up while in there. On the checkout line, I realized I bought cat food, this CD, and beer. And pajamas. I apologized to the checkout guy for the extremely random purchase order and he said while shrugging "I should probably ask you out." Ha!

I just got back from a week and half at our annual conference where I thought I was going to meet Hillary. Aargh it didn't happen. My boss met her and burst into tears. He's a grown man. He bursts into tears far too often for my taste. 

I did get to see her from a perch in the staff balcony, and I posted this panoramic picture to Facebook. Check out the sea of smartphone and iPad screens held up to record her.

Then I was off to Philly right after to meet up with friends for a birthday weekend. I did yoga for an hour and a half. Yoga is not my jam. I thought at one point while squatting and being told to breeeaathe "I came all the way here to be tortured!!" 

Off to listen to Mr Dylan and drive around. Thanks for driving by this little small space.