Monday, March 24, 2014

Cups of tea I forget to drink

View of my desk, from the viewpoint of someone with their head in their arms. I am buried, deep down, in work. And at the same time, stagnant. There are decisions to be made, even if they lead to me staying at the status quo for awhile. To avoid being overly cryptic, I have another job offer on the table. No relocation, so I'd stay here. But it would involve leaving the industry I've been in for 8 years. Is it time? I also have a very tentative "offer" from another place that would come with relocation.

I'm so tired of having the same arguments in my head, with myself. I'm so tired of having to make every single decision by myself, with no one truly understanding exactly what is at stake for me, career or personal-life wise. I can see why people marry into ho-hum relationships or stay married even if it's shitty. It sucks, sometimes, having to do everything on your own. This isn't a pity party, but just a statement. I am at once jealous and dismissive of women who never had to do anything on their own.

Decisions will be made, and the world won't end. Lives won't be affected--only mine. And what does that matter?

I talked to my dad for a long time yesterday about all the decisions. I love that I have a father that wants to hear about my life. That offers to pay for things even if we make the same amount of money, and I haven't asked for a dime since college. That offers to drive up for my birthday. At the same time, it can be maddening talking to him (or to anyone in my family) because there is so little understanding and comprehension about what I do for a living. Not because they are dumb or that I am doing anything exotic, but life just simply has zoomed on and we've lost that day-to-day "oh this is my bitch coworker Debbie; I'm working on this project; I'm running this meeting tomorrow on the Hill." 

We were going back and forth, and I mentioned about how my sister's first reaction is "but won't you be bored if you move away from DC??" That seems to be so many's reaction--that I'm living in some glamorous place (ok. I kind of am. 50% amazing, 50% parking tickets). I said "I don't want to have to defend constantly my decision to leave if and when that ever comes. This is just where I live to me, not "Washington, DC." Would all of you be moaning about all my lost opportunities for entertainment if I said "Hey fam, I think I'm really ready to leave Raleigh?" For some reason, this cracked him up and made him see exactly what I mean. I said I was going to start posting more pictures of my electric bill and the city rats on Facebook, to make it seem less amazing. Deal, he said.

I had to go to the doctor this morning for some follow-up bloodwork. She was filling the vials, and I talked about how I'm having anxiety pop up again. It's been a long, long time since that happened. My doctor is remarkably un-hysterical and was pretty calm about it like, oh well, don't let it get out of control. Let me know. Which is exactly what I needed--no medicine or anything, just a stated fact. It's out there. We'll watch it.

Cabin fever! I need winter to be over. I have signed up for two softball leagues (both co-ed, same league I was in last year.) I'll get to play twice a week games and practices. I can't wait to get outside and shake off winter.

On the way to the doctor for my 730am appointment, I noticed the moon still out over the rising sun. I snapped this photo and grinned. And put it on Facebook.

I think Dad put his head in his arms, buried on his desk, and thought about his dramatic daughter living the dream she always wanted.


Ms. Moon said...

No one, no matter how much they are living their dreams, is ever completely at peace with how things have turned out.
And you are young and you have opportunities and if those opportunities seem confusing, I completely understand.
Just remember, darling- there is no one path. You are the one making the path. You hold the machete in your hand, you are facing the jungle which only you can face.

liv said...

Hmmm, I don't see that as drama. You have a complicated life and you're figuring it out. It's more like work than drama. And you do good work on your life, you examine it - be proud of that.

Personally I've always thought you should "get the hell out of Dodge"...but that's just me. I think DC sucks something vital out of you, like maybe your uniqueness. It feels like you've never been able to fully blossom there and your are aching to blossom.

Your writing here was superb. So many different emotions and perceptions so eloquently expressed. I truly enjoyed reading it.

The baseball will do you good. I'll bet things get clearer in your mind and heart and a few games :) xx

SJ said...

MM -I know. Boy, do I. I sometimes want to put down the machete and go to the beach :) But I can't, and I will go on and that's just how it will go. I do try all the time to remember how incredibly lucky I am to have options. I know how rare of a position I am in.

Mel -Somehow, I managed to "reject" your comment. WTF? I got it, though, and thank you for it. I think for me, my options are to either stay here or go back to Kentucky and I know what I'm dealing with in both of those locations. For me, it would be easier almost (i know this sounds insane), if I was going to just close my eyes and LEAP to Charleston SC or something like that. A chance to start something new is almost less scary than turning over the coin of pro's and con's of the "known."

Liv -I have the "get out of dodge" mentality too. Which is why I can't seem to just effing STOP even entertaining thoughts of living somewhere else and plunking down a 30 year mortgage in the suburbs and calling it a life. I am just thinking there is more out there for me. Not necessarily grander or bigger, but just different.

Mel said...

SJ, I agree, I think given the options of staying here, or moving back to my homelands, when I am posterchild for you can't go home again, I'd wish for a door #3. Practically, I'd go for the opportunity where you already are and hope to either make more money or work less hours, quality of life and self actualization thing. Good luck deciding, it's one of the hardest things to do, figuring out where you belong. Hugs.