Tuesday, July 28, 2009

When the words won't come, there is only me, looking serious:

And processing through this weird week. Wait - isn't it only Tuesday??

Here are my random, non-serious thoughts...

* I bought my cat a cat toy tonight that squeaked and carried on like the brave, fake mouse that it is. It rolled down the conveyor belt, next to my new makeup and a six-pack of beer and I thought about what a strange woman I must look like - the beer-drinking cat lady who loves alot of new eye shadow ;) The check-out girl didn't card me, just looked at me, not believing for one minute that I am over 21 - much less 28 - and raised an eyebrow at me as I walked out the door. With my cat toy squeaking all the way.

* I still am holding on to my weight loss even though I am doing my best to sabotage this it seems =) I will do things like eat cucumbers and broccoli for snacks, and then eat french fries for dinner...I am so weird.

* I'm watching the Duggars on TLC right now. They have 18 kids, and the mother is so nurturing that I sort of want to move in with them and lay on their couch while she fusses over me and brings me soup. Because that's what she needs, right? An overgrown kid in her house to wait on?

* I miss LOST and really wish it were 2010 and it can come back

* I am not looking forward to August...it always seems to be my worst month. It's so damn hot, and has been hot forever, with no end in sight. But this year is a little bit different, since it's been cool alot this July. It's kind of strange and makes me think I'm going to be wearing shorts on Christmas day.

* When I start talking about the weather, it's time for bed.

Good night, all. Please excuse the squeaking cat toy :)

Saturday, July 18, 2009

What is this day?

I just said that to myself as I felt a cool breeze blast me on my way to the couch, on its way in through my screen door.

It's cold. Yes - a cold day in July! Well, it's about 65 degrees, but that's freezing in the south/midwest (sometimes we suffer from an identity crisis) state of Kentucky in the middle of July in the middle of the afternoon.

My day didn't quite turn out as planned. I was supposed to go "home", about an hour & a half south of where I live, and where I spend alot of time on the weekends. Various things were happening, and then canceled, and then rearranged. I had a somewhat stressful conversation with my mother and by the time it was done, and the clock had struck noon, I decided a day at my own home was in order.

I walked for three miles in the cool air and it was so fresh and clean in the sky that the blue almost looked like a bright blue swimming pool. I don't think I've seen colors that vivid since the fall and the clouds were luscious and huge and I couldnt think of a better day to be outside. When I walk, I usually listen to podcasts on my ipod and today I listened to a couple of my favorites, Bob & Sheri. They make me laugh almost the entire time so I usually walk along the path of the aboretum, grinning like an idiot and I'm sure the other people think I'm laughing at the voices in my head.

On this particular show, they had a caller with a giant pet pig that sleeps on a couch in their house and "talks" on the phone. The caller was letting the pig "talk" aka grunt/snort and moan into the phone and everyone on both ends was rolling with laughter. The pig belonged to a family with alot of kids, and the mother explained that she had adopted some, had a few of her own, and they were living a chaotic busy life and loving every minute of it.

That is SO what I want. A crazy, beautiful life with lots of people running in and out of my house and hell - maybe even a giant pig to sleep on the couch. Well, maybe not. But either way, I'm sure it might be somewhat surprising to those around me now that I would want that - I'm leading a kind of quiet life living alone but I'm used to chaos and I'm used to big families and I do want one of my own someday. Something that is MINE and not something that's handed to me.

I got home and laid down on my bed, and for whatever reason (I NEVER do this) I fell fast asleep right in the middle of the day. And I dreamed of my future family. This has never happened to me before, and it was the first dream I've had in an oh-so-long time that didn't involve something born of fear or stress (read: Dreaming in Downward Spirals below).

It was the saddest, but sweetest dream I think I've ever had. Sweet because it was so vivid, and sad because I woke up alone. I am VERY rarely sad to wake up alone, so this was striking too. I wandered around in a fog for awhile, and made myself go to Target to get out of the house and refresh a little. I got some highlight stuff and lightened up my blond a little bit, and I think it worked out pretty good!

I'm sitting here with teeth-whitening stuff on right now, and I have no idea what sparked this beauty regimen, but it's kind of nice to have a night here to just do some girly things like that and not have anywhere I have to be. I had houseguests a couple of nights this week, including a toddler, and I had dinner/drink plans almost every night and of course I had to see Harry Potter with friends too.

So tonight, I'll kick back. I'll sit on my porch with a drink and maybe I'll think about my dreams. My biggest dream that sometimes feels impossible.

But then I'll pull my jacket tighter around me, and know that sometimes, there does come a cold day in July.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The meaning of mean

"Here you are," he said, putting one finger down on my desk. "And here is your life," as he carefully drew a line passing by the stationary finger.

This was told to me today, by one of my wonderful co-workers. Who has, just today, decided to take a keen interest in my life (or lack thereof, according to him) in order for me to come out with him tonight. We've worked together now for a couple of years, and I guess he thinks he knows me pretty well. We have an odd relationship that I can't quite define - flirty, old-married-couple, brother-and-sister type, friend - I honestly don't know. It's all hard to read and confusing. But it's gone on for so long, and I know him well enough to know that I wouldn't be interested in him for anything more than just a co-worker/friend. There's too much of a catty streak (not exactly sexy for a man to have), too much of a bitterness, lifestyle differences, and oh yes - this need of his to somehow push all my buttons.

He likes to convince me of how "mean" I am and I guess, to him, I am. I don't cater to him and his (or anyone else in that office) crazy paranoid theories (our office ceilings are bugged, anyone?) and I certainly don't pat him on the back when he does yet another bitchy thing to someone else and comes to brag about it.

All of my co-workers (there are 8 of them, but 4 most predominantly) treat me as a combination of mother and counselor. I can't tell you how many phone calls I get per day (and no, I'm not their boss). These questions, in the past week have ranged from work-related to "Will you look at this rash on my side and see if it's serious or not?" "Do you have migraine medicine?" and "Will you feel my forehead and see if I have a fever?"

No, blog-friends, I am neither a medical professional nor the secretary. I am the writer, using my words as our message - and my meal ticket. I am also the mother hen (even though I'm the youngest of the crew, I might add) and they all crowd around me chirping, scratching dirt and demanding that I find them something to eat (or a band-aid).

So yes, I get frustrated. I give them tough love and I am constantly running interference between their fights and their tears and trying to remain the calm, steady voice in the storm. The one that tells them all to chill the f*** out because I'm trying to do...my job.

I say all this to go back to today, and the comment above. Because I'm so "mean," he tries to be mean back to me. Or, at least, turn my 'honesty' card against me and be honest back. He and another co-worker of mine are going downtown tonight to this outdoor food/drink/music thing that our city does every Thursday night. Which would be just fine, but I'm stuck at home working since I have to work on a presentation to give tomorrow to about 150 people via conference call.

When I said I wasn't going, he decided to flip his shit. He went off about how I never get out and do anything (keeping in mind this is the very FIRST time my co-workers have ever collectively decided to go anywhere together) and that's when he gave me his helpful visual aid of my life passing me by.

Normally - this guy doesn't phase me in the least. Today? If I had balls, he would have kicked me in them.

As if I don't have enough issues. As if I don't worry privately and fret on this blog and to close friends that I feel a little bit like a failure. Or, at the very least, like someone who is sitting on the bench for whatever reason. Not only do I feel like I'm sitting on the bench, I feel like I'm tied to it. I am leading a bit of a quiet life lately, in terms of where I'm living. I feel like every weekend I skip town, going west or south, to see friends in another town or see family in another. Do I miss having friends around - at least a group of them? Hell yes.

But, I feel such a sense of disconnect to where I'm living now. Since I'm actively trying to leave, I don't want to pick right now to get plugged into this community. I don't want to start dating someone, only to have to wrestle with either heartache (additional heartache to what I'm suffering from now) or have a reason to stay.

I don't want to pick now to get involved, only to bind myself to this place for more years of my life. This place where I am clearly not happy. Rocket scientists and preschoolers alike could tell you I'm not happy here. Happy with some things, yes. But feeling like my life is going in a positive direction - no.

And I'm trying. I'm actively trying to change my situation so that I can force a change in environment, no matter what. Even if that means staying here, and feeling freer to invest my time and energy into this community.

I suppose that for now I really am a finger stationary on a desk. With a swipe of a finger-life passing me by.

But it still hurts.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Dreaming in Downward Spirals

My best friend likes to interpret my dreams. Well - I use the word "likes" loosely, mostly, I like for her to do it, and I think she humors me =)

There is a common theme that disturbs me that runs through my dreams, and that is plane crashes. I know that sounds wickedly morbid, but it's not like I choose to do it...and the funny thing is, I have absolutely no fear of flying. What's that? You'd like me to get into a flying tube of metal that goes approximately one jillion miles per hour? Sure thing!

I'm never (except once) actually ON the plane, but rather I watch these crashes happen...oh, the symbolism I could find in that. Yes.

Anyway, these planes typically will spiral in some fashion before hitting the ground and that's usually it - I don't dream the aftermath, none of my loving relatives is on the plane, none of that. I think it's just a typical anxiety dream that I have every now and then in stressful times.

A few months ago, I had a dream where I was riding with a co-worker in a white Hummer (of all things) and we were going in - you guessed it - downward spirals. We had a fight and then he disappeared and I was driving this Hummer alone. When it finally stopped, I was looking at three paths with white carts that preceded them all. I chose the middle path (again...oh, the symbolism) and began pushing my cart in....downward spirals. There were vibrant colors throughout this dream, mostly red and oranges and both the Hummer and the cart were white. So, there was that.

And then last night, I dreamed I had gotten in a different elevator at work than I usually take, and it turned into a strange kind of roller coaster (just like my day usually is!) and we went up, up, up.....and then down. In...say with it with me...downward freakin' spirals.

WTF? Googling does not help me in this matter, since it says such dreams are indicative of failure and despair. To which I say, duh. Would anybody think that it means that something happy is right around the corner?

I think it just means I'm uncertain about alot of things right now, which is true, and enough to make anyone feel like they're on a roller coaster - but it won't be that way forever. This, I know.

At least I know it today. :)

I'll leave you with this fine looking crew on the 4th of July. Cute? Oh hell yes.