Saturday, July 18, 2009

What is this day?

I just said that to myself as I felt a cool breeze blast me on my way to the couch, on its way in through my screen door.

It's cold. Yes - a cold day in July! Well, it's about 65 degrees, but that's freezing in the south/midwest (sometimes we suffer from an identity crisis) state of Kentucky in the middle of July in the middle of the afternoon.

My day didn't quite turn out as planned. I was supposed to go "home", about an hour & a half south of where I live, and where I spend alot of time on the weekends. Various things were happening, and then canceled, and then rearranged. I had a somewhat stressful conversation with my mother and by the time it was done, and the clock had struck noon, I decided a day at my own home was in order.

I walked for three miles in the cool air and it was so fresh and clean in the sky that the blue almost looked like a bright blue swimming pool. I don't think I've seen colors that vivid since the fall and the clouds were luscious and huge and I couldnt think of a better day to be outside. When I walk, I usually listen to podcasts on my ipod and today I listened to a couple of my favorites, Bob & Sheri. They make me laugh almost the entire time so I usually walk along the path of the aboretum, grinning like an idiot and I'm sure the other people think I'm laughing at the voices in my head.

On this particular show, they had a caller with a giant pet pig that sleeps on a couch in their house and "talks" on the phone. The caller was letting the pig "talk" aka grunt/snort and moan into the phone and everyone on both ends was rolling with laughter. The pig belonged to a family with alot of kids, and the mother explained that she had adopted some, had a few of her own, and they were living a chaotic busy life and loving every minute of it.

That is SO what I want. A crazy, beautiful life with lots of people running in and out of my house and hell - maybe even a giant pig to sleep on the couch. Well, maybe not. But either way, I'm sure it might be somewhat surprising to those around me now that I would want that - I'm leading a kind of quiet life living alone but I'm used to chaos and I'm used to big families and I do want one of my own someday. Something that is MINE and not something that's handed to me.

I got home and laid down on my bed, and for whatever reason (I NEVER do this) I fell fast asleep right in the middle of the day. And I dreamed of my future family. This has never happened to me before, and it was the first dream I've had in an oh-so-long time that didn't involve something born of fear or stress (read: Dreaming in Downward Spirals below).

It was the saddest, but sweetest dream I think I've ever had. Sweet because it was so vivid, and sad because I woke up alone. I am VERY rarely sad to wake up alone, so this was striking too. I wandered around in a fog for awhile, and made myself go to Target to get out of the house and refresh a little. I got some highlight stuff and lightened up my blond a little bit, and I think it worked out pretty good!

I'm sitting here with teeth-whitening stuff on right now, and I have no idea what sparked this beauty regimen, but it's kind of nice to have a night here to just do some girly things like that and not have anywhere I have to be. I had houseguests a couple of nights this week, including a toddler, and I had dinner/drink plans almost every night and of course I had to see Harry Potter with friends too.

So tonight, I'll kick back. I'll sit on my porch with a drink and maybe I'll think about my dreams. My biggest dream that sometimes feels impossible.

But then I'll pull my jacket tighter around me, and know that sometimes, there does come a cold day in July.

5 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

You know, I heard this doctor on NPR talking about dreams and how those really, really vivid dreams- the ones you remember so strongly and which affect you so strongly- can actually and really and scientifically be you seeing the future.
So there.

Emily said...

love this post. You deserve to have the sweet family of your dreams, and I have faith it is just around a corner. I don't know how many other, frustrating corners you will have to turn first, but I DO know you'll turn them with grace and ever-growing wisdom. Wish we lived closer...

May said...

Okay, I feel bad. I haven't read your blog in a while and just now I've caught up and I just love the pictures you paint in my head. And isn't it bizarre that I wrote about the sky like a pool and singing along to the songs in my head and people thinking I'm crazy...? I swear I didn't read this first but I think that either A) I just psychically channeled you or B) we are super twins separated at birth. And I lighten my hair when I need to lighten up. But I do not dream of plane wrecks. But I do think you will get your happy family. Good night SJ, I hope you have sweet dreams tonight!

SJ said...

Ms Moon - I should be so lucky!

Emily - I so hope you are right..about the grace and wisdom part, especially. And I also wish we lived closer! Maybe someday we'll all end up somewhat close again...

And Miss Maybelle! I didn't even think about how we both wrote about pools in the sky, but I guess late summer was made for those kind of skies :)

But I kind of like the idea of being your super twin separated at birth, because you have a hell of a cool family! I'm so glad you stopped by, and I think you're the painter-of-pictures with your words. :)

G said...

Middle of the day naps are wonderful. If you can make them short. I can sleep for 5 hours if I let myself. I think it is beautiful that you dreamt of your future family. How wonderful. When you do have a family, you should let us know how close it turned out to be to your dream. I daydream of my future family all the time. I have already named my kids (2 girls and one boy). Thanks for your reply to my post by the way. I agree, our 30's are going to be fantastic. I can't wait!