Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Every Day

Every day feels frantic.

I’ve entered the point where I was when I moved here, almost 4 years ago. And when I moved away from DC the first time, 8 years ago. And when I graduated college and moved to DC, 10 years ago.

What was senior-itis apparently transitioned into stagnant-itis with every few years bringing pretty seismic shifts in my life. Leading up to them was this anxious, frenzied feeling of quiet desperation (I know that sounds dramatic but it’s the best way I can think to put it) of “Something is going to change, it’s going to change in a big way, but I don’t know when/what/where and how any of it will occur.”

4 years ago, I actually went to the doctor and got on anti-depressants which I JUST weaned off of this summer. I was well past the point of actually needing them, and basically just was taking them to avoid the side effects. But that’s all done now, and I don’t feel that they’re needed to weather this similar….transition, whatever it may be.

4 years ago was different; I was different. I am a very, very different person than I was when I moved here, and that’s a very good thing.

My job is not going well. Beyond the government shutdown—has anyone heard the government is shutdown?—and the rollout of Obamacare—have you heard that some people don’t like that?—and the nitty-gritty work that we are in the middle of with health IT—you probably, actually, haven’t heard of that—things feel confusing and smothering and mad. Just mad. Mad crazy and plain mad, with my  blood pressure constantly on the rise.

Does anyone watch “The Middle?” The littlest kid, Brick, has a tic where he whispers under his breath what he is thinking or the last word he says. I’ve developed a Brick-like tic where I whisper “Fuckers” every single time I see John Boehner on TV and whoever he happens to be with. Add Michelle Bachmann to that list. And Eric Cantor. Fuckers. Life-alterers and destroyers and laughing all the way to the bank when this is all over with their book deals and TV gigs. Fuckers.

My health is also not going well. My cholesterol is up, my blood sugar was too elevated, etc etc. Doctor’s orders were a low-carb, high protein diet so I’m trying to figure out what the hell I’m going to eat. For an insane moment, I thought of using my blog to document my food and exercise. Then I realized that that would make me want to kill myself, as that is just so boring and I wouldn’t do that to you faithful few who come around to hear my thoughts. Like those are so exciting!

Every day, I look for jobs in Louisville, or in cities in Tennessee, North Carolina and South Carolina. I would move within that radius. I don't necessarily want to move "home" right smack in the middle of my family, but I  want to stay within a day's drive of them. I want to get to where I can get a patch of dirt. I want a home. I want to put down some roots. I love my leaky basement apartment in the most historic neighborhood in DC. But I can't live there forever.

I see dozens of jobs I could qualify for easily, right here in DC but they’re few and far between anywhere else. They’re there. They just take time and work to find, and for better or worse, my life has been here and focused nationally. It’s hard to pick someone like that who isn’t in tune with a state’s government, political players, and whole environment. But I’m trying.

Every day, I don’t see much. I apply for what I do see. I don’t date (what’s the point?), I play softball with my various co-ed teams, I come home, I get drinks with friends, I take out the trash and toss the cat in the air and catch him when I come home (he … loves it). And every day I feel like at any point, it’s all going to stop and change.

Something is. What? When?

Every day. 


Ms. Moon said...

Yes. It may well be time for you to move on to the next part of your life.
Just please, darlin'- take us with you.

liv said...

That's an amazing feeling, isn't it? That "somethin's gonna happened" feeling. Makes the hairs raise on the back of my neck. I'm always whispering "please make it good, please make it good". So I will whisper that for Brick (I love him!!)into my chest.."please make it good, please make it good"

I wouldn't care if you listed how many times a day you sneezed, I just love hearing anything from you. Don't stop :)

A said...

It's more than a little presumptuous of me to say this---obviously I don't know you, just wander over to your blog when it creeps up toward the top of Mary Moon's blog roll---but to me there's something in this post that shimmers and glows with oncoming possibility and dynamic readiness. I bet some happy wonders are heading your way.

SJ said...

MM -Yes, I think it's about that time.

Liv -And I love that you're reading! I really do. You have no idea. Thank you for staying tuned in with me.

A -If that was a presumptuous comment, you can send me one of those every day! I loved your comment and it was the first thing I read this morning on my phone, actually and it made me smile. Thank you!

Mel said...

I am muttering Fuckers several times a day with you, I can't fathom the ignorance sweeping the nation right now. I keep looking around for an answer to all this stupidity, wondering if it's time to find a new country, one with a solid plan and a kind populace. My husband thinks I've gone off the deep end, but I'm seriously pondering what kind of world my kids should grow up in, which is funny cuz they're mostly grown. But - Australia, Canada, Switzerland...there's dozens of countries more tolerant, educated and wise than ours, and I keep wondering why am I here? But I can have that existential angst every day about why am I living in this town or this state too... I don't know where I'm supposed to be, let alone what I'm actually supposed to be doing when I get wherever it is I'm going. Oh, Life.

I know what you mean about that feeling of frenzied anxiety, tick tock, tick tock, mine comes in cycles and ramps up in the fall, I blame it on the shortening days. It's good you weaned off the antidepressents, I went the same path as you, and honestly didn't feel like the were accomplishing much, and it was a strange settling in getting used to my normal brain chemistry.
About the diet thing - I'm with Grady Doc and the gang with my fit bit, best $100 I ever spent, it synchs to my computer and lets me track my food as well as my activity. I'm really struggling with losing weight, but the fit bit is keeping me honest with myself, and really showing me how the wine calories add up. Funny thing is, in crazy times like these, in a world full of fuckers, a little too much wine seems a normal response :) But that high protein diet, ie the Zone? Hardest diet I ever did, months of misery to lose the baby weight gain. I can't go there again, I'm just doing the calories in/out thing these days. Slow and steady, hopefully.

I know that you will keep looking and something just right will come up in one of the states you'd like to move to. You're a catch, don't you know? We do.

Angella said...

Sj, thank you so much for coming by my blog and leaving a comment this week, which has given me a chance to come here to say thanks, and discover you! I love the raw honesty of this post. The sense of being poised for transformation, while shaking your fist and refusing to accept the absurdities around you. I will definitely be back!

SJ said...

Mel -I got my fitbit too!! Let me know how you like yours. Thanks for sticking with me. XOXO.

Angella -Welcome and I'm glad we found each other! I am glad to have found your voice in the fray.

Maggie May said...

oh my god you make me laugh. you are such a beautiful, ALIVE person that i really feel jipped i don't get to be your irl friend.

i hope you keep looking because you will find it. 'it'.