I have taken to walking around.
During my lunch hour one day, I felt the urge to move...so I did. I got up, and instead of getting in my car to go home for lunch or sitting down at my desk with a frozen dinner or sandwich, I just put on my coat and ipod and left.
I walked and walked and walked. And I've done it every day during lunch since. I toyed with the idea of walking to work (although it would take me well over an hour, most likely) but quickly dismissed that insane idea. It feels good, to get out and breath fresh air and feel like I'm doing something good for myself and moving myself around instead of sitting in my desk chair, staring at my monitor.
It's getting harder to simply sit at my desk and stare at the same beige walls every day. I am being challenged with my work, but yet I find its not good enough sometimes to quell my restlessness. I am fidgeting; tapping my hands, swinging my legs, breaking my pens. I'm not sure what the pent-up energy is other than a brighter sunshine outside with the turn of the seasons beginning to peek through. It's my absolute favorite kind of weather...sunny and 60. Perfect. Cool enough so I can walk for an hour and not be too sweaty to go back to work and warm enough that I don't need a heavy coat.
This walking makes me think, allows me to explore my thoughts in a more objective way when I am out among people in the sunshine--it's more scary to delve into self-reflection when you're alone at night and it's easier for darkness to fall into your heart instead of just outside your windows.
I find myself very surprised to be where I am in my life, and I spend alot of time talking to God. No--more like imploring to God. I'm not even sure what I want in return other than a frantic plea to somehow show me what I'm "supposed" to be doing. Maybe I'm actually doing it, and he's up there rolling his eyes that I still somehow think there's 'more' to life than making a living, having enough to eat and people around me to love.
When I walk, I walk in circles around the same city blocks, which I find very metaphorical and sometimes makes me giggle to think of the irony. I'm sure the people on the street just think I'm one more crazy person, laughing at the voices in my head...maybe I am :)
Circling the blocks, circling through the day-to-day routines that define me and confine me.
I listen to Patty Griffin when I walk.