I go back and forth between ok and not-ok. I am sometimes happy, most usually early in the mornings when I'm walking through the neighborhood and petting the neighbor's dogs on my way to work. Most often not in the late afternoons, when things get in that in-between time when it's not quite time to go home, but you're done with work and thinking of supper.
I am feeling...not isolated, necessarily, just alone. I miss my family--and dealing with how their lives are going on without me. My friends here are shifting and changing, and maybe not a big part of my life anymore.
I'm getting in that bitter phase..the "I don't need anyone" mentality and that is a scary, dangerous place to be. Because I know me--I need people. I need constant interaction and solitude is not my best friend.
I told my best friend once that I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. She responded that I belonged with her, and then took my hand and held it until we both fell asleep. But as all people do, she eventually let go. Would she say the same today? I'm not sure. Would anyone? That's, I guess, my ultimate struggle these days.
I am truly ok. I took this picture with my cousin last night, and despite his crazy eyes (we have NO idea what that was about!) and the ultra bright flash, I couldn't stop looking at it because of how happy I look. I think it's because I had my arms around my "good-as brother" (as he says), and because we were out front of the White House. I get giddy sometimes, still, even with everything, when I realize where I live and what I'm doing.
I know what I am doing is right. I feel so strongly that I'm on the path to....something.
So I wake up every day, I walk quickly down the sidewalk, and I wonder as I wander.