Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Swing

I go back and forth between ok and not-ok.  I am sometimes happy, most usually early in the mornings when I'm walking through the neighborhood and petting the neighbor's dogs on my way to work.  Most often not in the late afternoons, when things get in that in-between time when it's not quite time to go home, but you're done with work and thinking of supper.

I am feeling...not isolated, necessarily, just alone.  I miss my family--and dealing with how their lives are going on without me.  My friends here are shifting and changing, and maybe not a big part of my life anymore.

I'm getting in that bitter phase..the "I don't need anyone" mentality and that is a scary, dangerous place to be.  Because I know me--I need people.  I need constant interaction and solitude is not my best friend.

I told my best friend once that I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere.  She responded that I belonged with her, and then took my hand and held it until we both fell asleep.  But as all people do, she eventually let go.  Would she say the same today?  I'm not sure.  Would anyone?  That's, I guess, my ultimate struggle these days.

I am truly ok.  I took this picture with my cousin last night, and despite his crazy eyes (we have NO idea what that was about!) and the ultra bright flash, I couldn't stop looking at it because of how happy I look.  I think it's because I had my arms around my "good-as brother" (as he says), and because we were out front of the White House.  I get giddy sometimes, still, even with everything, when I realize where I live and what I'm doing. 

I know what I am doing is right.  I feel so strongly that I'm on the path to....something. 

So I wake up every day, I walk quickly down the sidewalk, and I wonder as I wander.

7 comments:

Angie Muresan said...

Oh, SJ, you are so pretty!
I understand how you feel. Sometimes the sacrifices we make for our careers aren't worth the unhappiness felt at being away from our family and friends. Thinking of you. You belong in the place that makes you happy.

Ms. Moon said...

I agree with Angie on everything she said, especially how pretty you are. My goodness!
But you know, you have to give things time. Sounds like you have a terrific job, which of course is not everything, but still- it is very important. And it's a job that is, in itself, important. One you can be proud of.
Maybe, maybe, maybe you can feel at home eventually there. I hope so. Heart and mind must be in balance and it's SO hard. But you are young and you have so much time, even if you don't feel like it.
Wishing you sweet sleep tonight.

Allegra Smith said...

darling girl, you are gorgeous, and with a thousand kilowatt smile to boot. And you are to bloom where you are planted and nowhere else, so I was told.

Many of us have felt the same way, I remember coming here to teach for a semester and that was 45 years ago. I felt lost, different language, different food, different everything. I couldn't make myself "belong". Oh, I knew people and they helped me getting around and went here and there and when I was feeling like I couldn't wait to go back home, an acquaintance asked me if I wanted to volunteer at the Library for the lectures. I said yes because I just didn't know how to say no when asked to do something.

It was a great experience, I went there Saturdays early and prepared everything with other volunteers, met people who were educated, interesting and little by little the fog lifted. I am not saying that this may work for you but you have to go after what you want. Do you know what you want? if you do I am sure there are venues for you to achieve that.

Now, look at that photo a lot. You look radiant and if that much light can come out from inside, it is only a matter of time until others see what we are looking at: a lovely young woman with a thousand kilowatt smile. Be well, take good care of yourself.

TheAbsolutPINK said...

i have been MIA. I apologize. Beautiful pic - oh how you've grown up. I found an old picture of you when i was going through my "box of things" a few weeks ago. It was the one i kept in a frame during all 4 years of college. It doesn't even look like you anymore.

But - it's still you. Two kids, trying to figure things out. And now - we're still two quasi adults trying to figure things out. You are on the path to something.

I'm always holding your hand. Even if sometimes things feel numb. I'm still there. Always. 2 seconds. U know.

Bethany said...

Gorgeous woman!
What you are doing is so hard and brave and marvelous. The White House! You will find your way and find the other things that will help you feel happy more often, and grounded and home.

SJ said...

Thank you, each of you. Your sweetness is good for my heart, and I'm so glad.

I hope I do feel at home here, more, soon. I know it takes awhile...I haven't even been here 3 months. Sometimes I know I'm too hard on myself.

And Allegra, yes, I've been tossing around a few ideas like that to make me feel more involved in my new community and neighborhood, and I'm going to blog about that next.

May said...

Oh pretty sister, I know how you feel... Happy and free in the mornings, sad and lonely at night... Yep! I think as spring comes we'll both lighten up a little.