I don't even know where to start.
I am worrying; nervous. I am clenching my jaw and stiffening my shoulders. I woke my best friend up in the middle of the night when I stayed there on Tuesday night to tell her that my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. It, and all my emotions, were right there on the surface. She was mostly asleep but I said I needed a hug and we fell asleep that way, in an embrace with my hands latching onto her arms.
A few hours later, I woke up sweaty and awake and confused. I drove back to DC that day, and I sang to the radio and listened to my CD's. I breathed in shallow breaths, and emailed/texted while I drove and almost fell asleep. I was a reckless driver, and I pulled over around Maryland to fall asleep with my seat leaned back and my arms up over my head. I had a coke, and candy, and managed to get back here at a decent hour.
I fell asleep on my couch with an old comforter wrapped around me, and its no small wonder that I woke up in time (6am) to get to a car inspection and then over to the DMV.
So here I am -a DC resident with tags and everything.
I barely remember what I'm doing here sometimes, as I take steps further and further into making this my permanent reality.
This afternoon, a homeless person shuffled along behind me to the car and helped me unload my groceries and set them in the backseat. I was thinking about what a touching moment it all was, and thinking of how I'd give him a few bucks, when I noticed he was rummaging around in my beer.
"Ima have one," he said. I told him to consider that his tip, and I just got in the car. Screw it -let him have a beer. I almost gave him another to grow on.
I am safe and warm in my home.
And going to bed, with so many things left to say about my several days in Kentucky, and about what the title of this blog actually MEANS. But I don't have it in me right now.
For now, I say goodnight. And thank you, to all of you, for being one of the good things that sustains me.
4 comments:
Oh, dear, I wish I had something at all useful to say; I wish I could make it easier and better for you, I truly do. When we move to Oregon and get married it will be easier for both of us, right? :)
Oh my dear Stephanie, what can I do from here? I don't know Kori but if you are wise you listen to her about moving to Oregon. It is raining like mad here but we have a nice little place where you are always welcome and the food will be hot and the arms will be open and the puppies will take you to for walkies at Tryon Creek Park and you can swim in the pool here at the club house and we all will be happy ever after. And if not, at least we could have a good time once in a while. Sending love from both of us and if you like to talk, you have the number.
Seriously- have you seen a doctor? You can't live your life in this sort of anxiety.
Love you, girl.
All -I'm ok, truly. Alot of that was sheer exhaustion talking...however, I just slept for 12 hours and the sun is shining a little bit brigther today :)
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