I guess, at this point, you can say I'm simply surviving. I have excellent days --like today, in fact. I packed up a cooler, a backpack and a book and took off to the park where I spent the day. I even walked in the creek and closed my eyes and thought of home. I realized how many times home comes back to me in moments when I least expect them.
And I am grateful, and want to acknowledge that grace. I walked along, casting fleeting glances up to the sky -I am still uncertain of how to address God. To thank him seems a bit irreverant, seeing as how I cast all my fears, bad thoughts and accusations toward him a few days ago.
Do you love me? Why is any of this happening? Is my life worth anything? Do you hear me? Hello? Do you HEAR me at all?
So now, we side-step, as lovers and friends do after a fight, knowing that love remains but so do hurt feelings. And questions, and things that just can't be answered.
I don't want to quite meet eyes that may not be there. Or that may reflect that, no, maybe my life ISN'T going to be as good as I thought it might. That the love, the babies, any of it--well, maybe it's not there at all. Maybe it's not in the cards for me, no matter how much I want it.
I'm so tired of platitudes --the 'good things come to those who wait' and the 'once you stop looking, love shows up'.
Well, my ass they do.
I guess I'm getting bitter. And I wanted so badly for that not to happen. I look in the mirror and I see a babyface staring back at me, but I am 29. And doors are closing for me -doors that I always imagined would stay open forever.
Nothing makes me crazier than the suggestion that I have sacrificed these things for a job. For my career. My friend said this to me once and it absolutely stunned me --I could see how the casual observer may think this, but not those who know me. These things didn't happen, so I had to focus on the job. It was that, or focus on nothing.
And holy shit, it has all opened doors. Thrust me into a place I never would have dreamed otherwise.
In a heartbeat, I would trade it all.
But trade it all for what? There is nothing else. What is else is latching on to others' lives and daydreaming about things I don't have. I can't go back -I must continue to look forward.
And maybe blog-world isn't the place for me to air these frustrations anymore. I feel inadequate in so many ways and the constant reminders that I don't have children or a marriage or a home or a family is making me feel like less than I am. I feel sad and burned out. I feel like I'm missing out on a secret that everyone already knows.
Its a song that has played through the ages, and I don't know the words.
I do miss these things that I have never known.