Saturday, May 15, 2010

The song that doesn't end.

I guess, at this point, you can say I'm simply surviving.  I have excellent days --like today, in fact.  I packed up a cooler, a backpack and a book and took off to the park where I spent the day.  I even walked in the creek and closed my eyes and thought of home.  I realized how many times home comes back to me in moments when I least expect them. 

And I am grateful, and want to acknowledge that grace.  I walked along, casting fleeting glances up to the sky -I am still uncertain of how to address God.  To thank him seems a bit irreverant, seeing as how I cast all my fears, bad thoughts and accusations toward him a few days ago. 

Do you love me?  Why is any of this happening?  Is my life worth anything?  Do you hear me?  Hello?  Do you HEAR me at all? 

So now, we side-step, as lovers and friends do after a fight, knowing that love remains but so do hurt feelings. And questions, and things that just can't be answered.

I don't want to quite meet eyes that may not be there.  Or that may reflect that, no, maybe my life ISN'T going to be as good as I thought it might.  That the love, the babies, any of it--well, maybe it's not there at all.  Maybe it's not in the cards for me, no matter how much I want it.

I'm so tired of platitudes --the 'good things come to those who wait' and the 'once you stop looking, love shows up'. 

Well, my ass they do. 

I guess I'm getting bitter.  And I wanted so badly for that not to happen.  I look in the mirror and I see a babyface staring back at me, but I am 29.  And doors are closing for me -doors that I always imagined would stay open forever. 

Nothing makes me crazier than the suggestion that I have sacrificed these things for a job.  For my career.  My friend said this to me once and it absolutely stunned me --I could see how the casual observer may think this, but not those who know me.  These things didn't happen, so I had to focus on the job.  It was that, or focus on nothing. 

And holy shit, it has all opened doors.  Thrust me into a place I never would have dreamed otherwise.

In a heartbeat, I would trade it all.

But trade it all for what?  There is nothing else.  What is else is latching on to others' lives and daydreaming about things I don't have.  I can't go back -I must continue to look forward.

And maybe blog-world isn't the place for me to air these frustrations anymore.  I feel inadequate in so many ways and the constant reminders that I don't have children or a marriage or a home or a family is making me feel like less than I am.  I feel sad and burned out.  I feel like I'm missing out on a secret that everyone already knows.

Its a song that has played through the ages, and I don't know the words. 

I do miss these things that I have never known.


Bethany said...

Oh SJ. I'm sorry you're feeling all this. You know what though, you are just beginning. You are becoming yourself. You have not sacrificed anything. You will have all those things you want, of course you will. I don't believe the platitudes either. I believe in keeping on, searching, hoping, working, growing, moving, learning, like you are.
I feel that way too a lot, like an outsider looking in, in regards to husbands, children etc...
I think it's amazing that you know you want children. Of course you will have them.
Go easy young friend.
You are doing exactly what you should be doing.
Wishing you more blue skies and cool creek days.

Ms. Moon said...

I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't be feeling what you are for any reason. You ARE feeling those things and there IS a reason and that's okay, baby doll.
Feel away and let your feelings tell you where you need to take your next steps. And keep wading in the creek and rivers, too, should you get the chance.
I am sending you love and wishing I could send you reassurance, peace, dreams come true.

Jucie said...

I heard Maya Angelou speak at a conference more than a decade ago. She said that her grandmother had told her that it takes a mighty good man to be better than no man at all. I truly believe that. Society puts such pressure on us to go along a certain path - school, career, family. Some of us need to learn to live before we can learn how to share our lives with a mate. I am 48 now and married 11 years to "a mighty good man." Our life together was definitely worth the time spent living by myself.

Kaolinmommy said...

NEVER say that you shouldn't feel something or express it on YOUR blog. What IS the good of living without feeling and embracing those feelings (even when they suck)? And what it is the point in blogging if you can't get it all out every once in a while?

I wasn't kidding earlier today. I just want to sit with you on a blanket in the sunshine and share our souls. And maybe let you know that (I think)this is all normal. And if the tables were turned, you might be feeling the exact same way. I love my husband & children, but I feel a restlessness about a career or adventure that I might have missed. It's in our nature to be restless. We were made for something more.

I'm beginning to feel that my restlessness actually comes from that Guy. You know, the One whose eyes you don't want to meet? I've been avoiding Him too. Afraid He doesn't care as much as I once thought. Or that the answers to all of those questions I have might be hard to hear. Or that I'm just going to invest more of my time into something that doesn't always seem to pay off in the end. How's that for bloggy honesty?

No, careers & adventures don't take away the restlessness. But babies & husbands don't either. At least for me. And since you & I seem to share the same heart about a lot of things, well, who knows?

Keep sharing your heart on your blog, friend. Because I love it. (your heart. well, and your blog too...)

SJ said...

All -thank you for your sweetness. And Jucie -that's a great quote!

KM -yes. You said just what I truly NEEDED to hear. Thank you so much. It honestly did make me feel better and I'm so glad that you are reading.