Ahh, the mind of an addict.
In a tentative, detached way, I've been tip-toeing around the edges of exploring through the reasons why people become addicts in the first place. Trying to figure out WHY some people latch on to things/pleasures and can't let go of certain things. And figuring out why those some people are sometimes me.
My mother coined that phrase up there, the title of this blog. She used it to describe me once, but not in a cruel way. We were laughing about how, when I was younger and slept with her nightly following my parents divorce, I would always ask her to get me a glass of milk the MINUTE we turned out the light.
And of course, after much sighing and pleading on my part, she would get up and bring me a glass of milk. I was always so thirsty at night and in the mornings (and still am. My father's diagnosis of diabetes this week definitely makes me think about THAT a little more.)
She wouldn't just bring me a glass of milk though. She'd bring me two.
"Why two?" I asked her the other day. She just laughed and said that I had the mindset that if a little's good, alot's better. And that frankly, she didn't feel like hearing me whisper "more milk?" twenty minutes after she'd laid back down. Which, of course, happened all the time.
I am still the same way. I don't want three french fries, I want the entire serving. Not one drink, but several. Not ONE phone call with my favorite people, but seven.
Now --I can control this. And some times I do better than other times. I just WANT these things. My self-control is so low, and yet so HIGH when it comes to certain things as well. What makes me tick is somewhat fascinating to me, when I look at it from another perspective. The things that most will crave ---that whole brownie instead of just a bite, well, that's totally not my issue. I don't like sweets that much, although I do like chocolate alot, I don't NEED to finish my entire desert. A little satisfies me.
Why is it, then, that I can't say the same for everything? Why only some things? Can I not do something GOOD with this aspect of my personality? I have a friend who is incredibly into working out --it is something that gives her enormous fulfillment and pleasure. I have another who is addicted to her religion at the moment and preaches her newfound spirituality in every facebook status update.
It all reminds me of that one saying--there's no greather faith than that of a convert.
But that's just not me.
I'm having issues with work, too much so to get into here and too much so that I can really get into. Let's just say that healthcare reform has become a reality, and now that the political hoo-ha has died down, it's OUR job to help get this thing implemented. God, everyone--do you realize how huge this is?
Whatever you think politically if its good, bad, or ugly, the magnitude of this to carry out is simply staggering. And to wrap my mind around it, well, let's just say my team has been at the bar for three nights this week as soon as work ended and usually at the demand of the boss.
I wish I'd get addicted to my job in the same way I'd get addicted to other things that make me feel good. I wish I got that HIGH from being competitive, from being the best, from making a difference in the way that we do.
But it simply makes me tired. And I reach for things of comfort, things of pleasure, to ease the sting of feeling overwhelmed. Of feeling as though I'm treading water through ocean waves everyday and taking in as much water as air when I breathe.
So that is me, I suppose, on this Friday night in May. A little sleep tonight would be good. But alot would be better.