Saturday, January 9, 2010

"Just let me hold you while I'm falling apart...just let me hold you, and we'll both fall down."

It's not a very good night for me tonight.

I had a fine day--kinda good, actually. I got alot done, and my cable is now hooked up and I'm all caught up on all my errands.

I guess I just spent too much time on my own, and that always affects me this way. I wrote a long post, and then just saved it for later, deciding it was too depressing.

Why do we have such a need to alert others when we feel down? When we are depressed, sad, whatever? All it does is bring others down, and yet we reach out to those we love and try to use them as ladders as to climb ourselves out the dark place. But all we do is drag them down into the hole with us.

And we'll both fall down.

I am going to bed in a few, and hoping that tomorrow is a better day. I think the sun is supposed to be out, and I am going to walk even though it'll still be in the 30's. But I know myself, and I know my body needs to be in sync with my mind and we both need to move.

Today I didn't lean on anyone--no one needs to come down here with me. They don't need to feel this uncertainty, this loneliness, the fear that comes with just not knowing what the future holds. Will I ever find anyone? Will I ever get to the point where I'm close to the life I want to be living?

No one needs to be down here with me. But sometimes, I wish someone was.


Kori said...

I think that we need to reach out to peopel when we are like this simply so we don't feel so alone. and so if we don't answer the phone after a few days, someone might care enough to check. :) I send you hugs.

Ms. Moon said...

This has been a hard winter on us, hasn't it? You've been through so much recently. So much change. Be gentle with yourself. Try and force yourself to do something with friends or a friend. And the walk is a great idea. Maybe there's a gym nearby you could join?
Well. Just rambling. Really I'm holding out my hand, sending love.

Bethany said...

I know what you mean.
The walk will help for sure. I took one yesterday in the freezing. Just please bundle up better than I did.
I think though that it not only helps us, but helps others to hear that people are going through similar stuff AND it helps the helper to be helpful.
Sorry. I got lost there. I hope you know what I mean.
It's okay to be sad and scared and to reach out. That's what brings us closer.
This is living.
And one of the things I love about the blog world is that it seems okay to tell it like it is, what we're feeling. People can read and respond or not, depending on what they are feeling/needing.
But I think you're talking more about the real world right?
I think your family and friends would want to be there for you. They will help cheer you too.
Take care. Hope today feels better.