It's a better day today. I got out and moved, alot, and that definitely helped. With no car here in the city (and that is still taking some getting used to), I walk a bunch more just in my day-to-day living as I did before.
This is a little bit different to me than the way I used to go walk/jog at the arboretum, which some may remember as a pretty regular habit I developed last spring and stuck through the summer until the cold took over --then I started packing moving boxes for my exercise.
I think the main difference is that I don't FEEL like I'm doing something good for myself by moving the way I did before. I'm not complaining about this or anything, it's just different to be walking to move from point A to B, than being outside with the grass, trees, and sunshine and making a conscious effort to MOVE while I'm outside. I would think about things, listen to my podcasts, and just feel good about being out there doing it. Now--it's just my new lifestyle to walk and I do it because I have to.
Perhaps those two mile walks every other day were my preparation for this :)
I walked out to go pick up a bagel this morning and I looked to my left and my jaw literally dropped. Before me, was the biggest Farmers Market in DC and there were vendors everywhere with fresh vegetables, salad mixes, fresh bread, organic meat and eggs....I may never, ever go to the grocery store again.
Walking among all those people and "home" feelings when I look at stuff pulled directly from the dirt of West Virginia, then driven to me early this morning --well, that's my kind of Sunday morning church service. I had already gone to the store yesterday, and I'm trying really hard not to spend any money at all on things I don't need so I just browsed. But seriously--I really may not go to the grocery store anymore for stuff like that. I would ten times rather give my money directly to the grower and know it's fresh and good food. And it's here every Sunday! I am going to love that.
So that was a nice surprise to start my day, and then I went shopping for a few hours. I got a new purse, new jacket and a really nice name-brand piece of luggage that was marked down to $59 bucks from $200 so I grabbed it up.
On another note, I had a few thoughts today about what triggered my emotions last night.
You know, everyone keeps telling me how proud they are of me. Off here on my own, trying to "do something" with my life, making these tough transitions and living in the big city.
Folks at home feel like I'm off doing exciting things, and I think when I have nights like the one I had last night--sitting in my pajama's watching TV--I feel like a double-loser. Because I'm supposed to be doing these wonderful things. I'm supposed to be drinking in trendy bars, laughing with groups of new friends, doing my glamorous work. Everybody's so proud of me, after all.
But...it's just a job. And I'm still me, and I sometimes have nights where I want to be in my pajama's.
I've been here for one month today. Just one month. I haven't had time to make a ton of friends, settle into routines, or really anything at all. It will come slowly, and I need to remember that everyone is still proud of me even if things don't come to me overnight. And that the only reason they might expect it to is because THEY love me--why wouldn't everyone else at first sight?
So, it's a process. And the loneliness is just something that I will work through. The occupational hazard of moving somewhere by yourself is that most of the time, you will be -well, by yourself.
I knew it going in, which was why I wasn't jumping up and down screeching with excitement. A quiet eagerness for what will come, but I knew that quiet nights would precede anything wonderful that may happen. That I will be on my own for a bit, so to speak, before I find my tribe.
Tonight I'm going to play trivia in a bar with my friend, and a few of her friends that I've met. I'm freezing chili for leftovers, baking chicken for my dinners this week, and switching to my new purse and for some reason, that makes me the happiest of all. What is it about filling up a new purse that makes me so excited? I'm the least girly person you'll meet, but for some reason, I do like that.
Ok -off to keep living my glamorous life. I'll try to remember all the little people out there when I hit the big time :)
Thanks to you all for your comments on the last blog--I needed to hear them.