Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Just writing

I've probably started 10 or 20 blog posts by now. I either delete them or save them and never look at them again, and then another day starts and it's a blur from there.

Sometimes this blog is like a friend that I lose touch with -I don't want to lose touch, but it's close enough to me that it's either all or nothing. We need to talk everyday, about everything, or we can't talk at all. There's no in between with us, and when there's a gap, it's noticeable and I'm a little shy about approaching again.

So, hello. I've been okay. Working my ASS off, and finally went home last weekend for a quick break and some baby/kid niece and nephew time. I hugged each of them to me time and time again. They center me, each of their blonde heads pressing into my chest and sneezing in my face and arms thrown over me at night when I sleep in the middle. 

I'm always ready to get back home though, to my DC home. I spent the day in Lexington (where I lived for four years, and where I lived when I started this blog) and I noticed how uncomfortable I am there. I almost feel a panic attack coming on when I look out the window and see the sights of a few years ago sliding past my window. That town never fit me, and I can't breathe there. 

I didn't cry when I flew away this time. I usually don't, anymore. I am always glad to get back, and I always miss my family, and I feel like I'm always going to be destined to be missing someone, somewhere. It's how I grew up, lugging my duffle bag from county to county to one house from another. I will always feel torn, and always feel like there's something I'm missing.

In February, I met Bill Clinton. I met a few other folks that are pretty important to my industry but aren't famous, all at our annual conference, and I felt like I was doing something. All the crowded metro rides and the snowy slush that cars rain on my pants, all the late nights and wordsmithing was for something. Clinton, before he closed his remarks to us, said "I pray for your success." 

I'm not sentimental much anymore, about anything really. But for a minute, I felt that was genuine. That we were being counted on to do something amazing. And then now, back again, slogging through the day-to-day "who is going to order the water bottles and dish detergent" and budget battles and things out of my control just wipe all that out. I'm feeling discouraged and like it's all just taking so damn long to count. My brother in law this weekend asked me "Is Obamacare stupid?" I hesitated and he asked "Or, do you not know much about it?" I said "I know too much about it, which is why I can't answer things like that so simply."


I dated someone, and I think it may be over. More about that another time. Another blip on the ever-ending radar screen cycle of things-that-don't-work-out. It makes me so tired to even write about, because I've been writing about this for years. I've been writing about how I'm working on accepting that things just might not turn out in the way that I had thought. And yet I'm not accepting it, and forging on, and dabbling in the heartbreak and hope again and again, and it's just getting so very old.

I turn 32 next week. I've been writing here since I was 26, and I feel paralyzed sometimes when I think of how little has changed even though so MUCH of course has. I am a completely different person in so many ways. 32.

32, and what have I done? What does it matter?

I'll leave you all with some pictures of some absolutely beautiful kids that I adore, and thank all of you very few (and very treasured) readers for hanging with me all these years. Keep writing.

Me and my teenage nieces
 Little guys, Easter morning
 Brooklyn with our found baby rabbit
 My dad, and his grandkids. I love how much they love each other.
 Me and my sister that keeps me sane.

 All five of our babies, a moment totally unposed and captured on the sly

Niece with baby bunny
 Nephew, being a dreamer.
 Nephew that holds my heart.

Thanks all. 


Ms. Moon said...

Okay. Instead of saying something all mushy and profound, I'm just gonna ask- Is Bill still hot?
(Sorry. Sorry. I am so sorry.)
And your family- Lord. Beautiful.

SJ said...

MM -as absolutely charming as ever :)

Maggie May said...

I feel that way sometimes too about blogging- the cycles, and it makes me think of how profoundly true that is for so much of our lives..everyone's. We do the best we can but often the best we can do is reminding ourselves of the same lessons over and over, and yet we rarely talk/admit that. I'm so glad you did.
I love you.
You are beautiful. You need a MM dress and a bright red lip and WOWZA

SJ said...

Maggie -all that fashion writing is paying off!! :) Love you too.

liv said...

So glad you put "pen to paper". It's such a blessing for me to read someone who experiences some of the same things I do ....endlessly....and yet goes on and tries to stuff some beautiful things into the bag as well. I always feel a bit stronger after reading you. And more determined. You are brave, girl. And not just in continuing the fight, but in sharing it. Makes me want to carve out a way to write again too.

Gorgeous pics - beautiful family, beautiful you!

I missed you, love you and am so glad you showed up for a hug....mmmmmm tight one!

SJ said...

Liv - I wrote that for you :) I really did! Thank you for giving me a nudge. I don't want to let this give way for so long again.

janzi said...

Lovely to catch up and hear the latest news from you... despite another friendship not working out.. you just have not met the right one yet... don't give up hope either... you and your neices made a very pretty picture, you do not look any older than them either... Is Bill still hot... that Mrs Moon does make me laugh... so I was happy to read her comment, and will send you lots of hugs for a lovely summer over there.. janzi

SJ said...

janzi -thank you! I'm really glad to hear from you :)

Wayne said...

I've been the same with blogging lately - I always feel as though I need to put out some kind of masterpiece so I'm currently training myself to just write whatever I'm thinking.

It'll still never work though ... I don't even even have tales of ol' Bill Clinton to fall back on!

SJ said...

Wayne -If I can write, YOU can write! Please do.

Mel said...

How did I not comment here? I'm so glad you checked in, so grateful for the happy smiles in those photos, and wish I knew the right words to say.

I want to say 32 and what have you done? Girl, look at yourself, where you are, where you work, what you do, how beloved you are to your family. I struggle all the time with the cliche nothing matters and what if it did? I think it's a brave thing to stare those thoughts down and keep going, every day, doing what you do.

I can't imagine working in the political arena, it would be disheartening, because I have such an ingrained sense of right, wrong, efficiency, expediency, etc..... I would get very frustrated I'm sure. It takes a special, patient personality to work in such a frustrating and slow paced field. You are working so hard for a good cause, for what you believe in and you've come so far from where you started, I hope you have a few days where you step back and be proud and pat yourself on the back, to offset the ones where you beat yourself up.

And the heartbreak part? That sucks. It is so very hard to find the right person. I found this graphic on tumblr of where single people are by sex, and sweetie, there are a lot of single women in the DC are, not many men. You have to go north or to southern Cal for the opposite. So it's not you as much as it's demographics. Hang in there, and thanks for writing.