Monday, April 29, 2013

All in one day...

My emotions are zig zagging all over the place tonight, as the adrenaline from the weekend slows down and leaves me out of sorts.

My mom was here for a week, and left early yesterday morning. That whole visit could be a post in itself -maybe sometime. I put her in a cab at 730, then came home to fall back asleep and wake to find that one of my best college friends had given birth to a boy.

I walked to the store. Bought a $2 bag of day-old bagels from the local place that keeps them back for the locals. I baked a taco/tex mex....thing. I vacuumed.

I went to a reception down the street -the place I used to work in Kentucky was in town having a conference. I smiled and shook hands and did the "do you remember me/oh you look SO great!" bit.

Then, I walked home while talking to my dad. He wouldn't let me off the phone until I was safe in my apartment, then I hung up to learn that my very best childhood friend had given birth to a boy.

Two people, whose lives I used to be so intertwined with that I knew everything about them, down to what they ate every day. Two girls that I watched grow into women, and now watched grow into mothers. Mothers of sons. I am happy -- so incredibly happy, truly -- but I can't ignore the niggling feeling of "what about me?" Can it be my turn yet?

I've been trying out the phrase "I doubt I'll have children" to see how it tastes in my mouth. It tastes wrong and bitter, but I'll grow to acquire a taste for it. It's something I'm learning to accept, and realize that the traditional way of doing things just may not be for my path. The alternatives of adoption or other means of giving birth may well be my reality. It's daunting, as I age. My life has always taken a strange path -and perhaps that will just continue.

In the meantime, I keep trying to transform healthcare in America. Ya know, that easy-peasy thing. We're working so so hard. That's pretty much all I can say. I pulled off a successful event last week on the hill (meaning congressional hill visits and a press briefing) and it was a huge load off my mind when I finally stood up to close us out.

My mom came with me, and I sat her in the very back. I told her she could come along -- it was very strange to see my mother alongside my boss, my clients, my coworkers, all my professional colleagues that dominate my landscape here. I stood up to give everyone a job-well-done pep talk. And then, there was my mom, snapping pictures.

Some things never change.

On we grow.

Me, Russell Senate Building, April 2013


Ms. Moon said...

I'm in sort of a fatalistic mode today, thinking that we end up where the universe has pushed us for whatever reasons and of course, that's probably not true but there is some sort of serenity there. If we accept what is.
Gawd. I don't know. I'm sure not going to denigrate your feelings because they're valid feelings to have but I'm going to remind you again that you are uniquely qualified, talented and hard-working enough to do a job that very, very few others could.
And I, for one, am glad you're doing it.

liv said...

Oh, you look wonderful!!! I would have been snapping my brains out too, taking pictures if I'd been there. It's really fun to actually see you doing what we only hear about you doing.

There is - beyond ANY doubt - a soul waiting for you. By what ever avenue he/she comes, in the end I have no doubt you will say - "I wouldn't have had it any other way"

I'm so glad you wrote again.

Maggie May said...

Your mom must be bursting at the seams proud of you. Dang girl, you are making a difference. And looking good while you do it :) As far as kids go, I think I'd be having an enormous struggle too. I mean it's profound. I hope you find the path for you without too much pain.

Mel said...

I didn't comment on this post? What is wrong with me? What the others said, yes. I would not want to hear you say those words, I'm poster child for never say never. You just never know what twists and turns life will have in store for you.... Did I tell you I saw a graphic on tumblr of where there single people are in the US and honey, there are not many single men in DC, very slim pickings. Apparently the East coast is rich with single girls and the west coast with single guys. I guess for now, duty calls you.

And your picture - lovely, and so professional! I think it's great that your mom got to see you in action.

I finally read Prodigal Summer. How, how did I not know about that book? It was wonderful, truly. Thanks for telling me to read it.