Monday, August 9, 2010

Here We Are

Scenes from a weekend-

A two year old white-blond girl, flowery floaties and a butterfly bathing suit, running across the yard at me when I pull up

Kissing the face off that baby up there

Waking a three year old boy up, carrying him into the living room, and he said "I seepin, Aunt Stephie. Lay down."  And we slept another hour together with my hand nestled in those blond curls at the very back of his neck.

A four year old girl snuggling up to me while we watched church on TV with her parents.  I was thinking of a hundred critical things I could say back to the TV preacher, when she laced her fingers through mine and sighed with content.  Click -and now it makes sense.

My best friend S saying...."it's time for me to focus on you" in the 6am light on the porch while I held my head in my hands and said I feel like I'm falling apart at every seam.  "We're going to deal with this," she said, in that abrupt 'fix it' way she has --she slapped the porch for emphasis and we laughed and held hands on the steps for a long time without talking.

My 12 year old neice and 11 year old nephew each took turns curling their long legs in my lap.  Logan said "why are you rubbing my cheek?"  "Because I like you," I said.  He grinned and turned his face into my shoulder.  Then punched me in the arm, because that's how 11 year old boys say "I like you, too."  

Mom tried not to let me see her wipe away tears whenever she looked at me.

I left this morning at first light, after S and I had tea and a devotion on the porch while the sun came up.  I watched the fog roll in over those Appalachian mountains as I drove along. 

And now, here I am.  A quiet apartment, a spazzy cat, broken cable and a floor that shows more and more signs of water damage by the day and I don't know what in the hell to do about it. 

There are moments when I truly can not see past tomorrow.  I have no idea what good I am to anyone, or anything, and I don't honestly know what exactly I'm living for sometimes.  To survive each day to reach the next?  It shouldn't be this way. 

And it won't, forever.  Somehow I know this. 

I do.  I hope.


Ms. Moon said...

Sweetie- don't worry if any of it makes sense. Eventually, it will. I promise. Love is never wasted. It's like energy that way. Or perhaps love IS energy. I don't know but it may be.

Mel said...

Beautiful baby, beautiful you. Life still doesn't make sense to me either, and I wonder what the point is all the time. I've decided it's to love and to bear witness. I'm glad you're a part of this little blog world, glad you check in and I've noticed how very very busy you have been, no wonder your head is spinning and your heart has vertigo. Hang on and enjoy the ride! The journey is the point, I think. Or something like that. Wishing you the best.

TheAbsolutPINK said...

i'm so glad that you got to go to KY and meet your new baby boy and catch up with your other little (and not so little) ones. I miss mine desperately and probably won't see them again until the wedding.

I had a "i'm falling apart at the seams" moment today. I think i'm having them more often. I hope we are not rubbing off on each other.

Angie Muresan said...

You look so good with a baby, SJ!

We all have those moments. But the love you have from family and friends will get you through it all. Thinking of you.

SJ said...

Thank you, all, so much. I couldn't do this without you.

Bethany said...

you are so good to those kiddies.
i love how lovey you are with everyone. i wish i felt that comfortable with touching.
you are doing fantastic.
this part is hard, getting your self together first. you are doing it though, YOU are the brave one.
I mean, you're in DC!!!!
you rock SJ, hang in there.
If the apt floor is bad landlord needs to replace it pronto.

just me, still said...

(I am leaving this b/c I am hoping you might get an email notice that a new comment was left)
I found you through Ms. Moon and have commented a few times, but read your blog often. I see you have deleted some posts. Please know that people you don't even know care about you, as crazy as that sounds.Please don't think you have to handle this on your own. There is healing available, as hard as that may seem to believe. But don't just try to shut down. Please.
here's my email:
even though I know you think you will NEVER want to use it. But you have it now, just in case.
Please take care of yourself.