Scenes from a weekend-
A two year old white-blond girl, flowery floaties and a butterfly bathing suit, running across the yard at me when I pull up
Kissing the face off that baby up there
Waking a three year old boy up, carrying him into the living room, and he said "I seepin, Aunt Stephie. Lay down." And we slept another hour together with my hand nestled in those blond curls at the very back of his neck.
A four year old girl snuggling up to me while we watched church on TV with her parents. I was thinking of a hundred critical things I could say back to the TV preacher, when she laced her fingers through mine and sighed with content. Click -and now it makes sense.
My best friend S saying...."it's time for me to focus on you" in the 6am light on the porch while I held my head in my hands and said I feel like I'm falling apart at every seam. "We're going to deal with this," she said, in that abrupt 'fix it' way she has --she slapped the porch for emphasis and we laughed and held hands on the steps for a long time without talking.
My 12 year old neice and 11 year old nephew each took turns curling their long legs in my lap. Logan said "why are you rubbing my cheek?" "Because I like you," I said. He grinned and turned his face into my shoulder. Then punched me in the arm, because that's how 11 year old boys say "I like you, too."
Mom tried not to let me see her wipe away tears whenever she looked at me.
I left this morning at first light, after S and I had tea and a devotion on the porch while the sun came up. I watched the fog roll in over those Appalachian mountains as I drove along.
And now, here I am. A quiet apartment, a spazzy cat, broken cable and a floor that shows more and more signs of water damage by the day and I don't know what in the hell to do about it.
There are moments when I truly can not see past tomorrow. I have no idea what good I am to anyone, or anything, and I don't honestly know what exactly I'm living for sometimes. To survive each day to reach the next? It shouldn't be this way.
And it won't, forever. Somehow I know this.
I do. I hope.