Sunday, November 22, 2009

Here I Go Again

I guess it's just so hard to write about.

My emotions are zig-zagging from excited to sad, and everything seems to take on a heightened sense of importance and meaning. Every time one of the kids raises their arms for me to hold them, or a friend and I meet for drinks at 'our' bar, or I hug someone I love close, I feel that...stomach drop.

You know the feeling--that dip when you experience something that fills you with emotion. You watch the one you love leaving you, you're about to give a speech, or you watch someone you love get married.

Last Saturday, my sister and I took my nephew to the park. He is a whirlwind of a boy, and has more energy than I can imagine even for a two-year-old. He ran from one thing on the playground to another for about a half an hour, and then he just felt like taking a sit-down right there in the grass and looking at the trees for awhile. My sister and I got on either side of him, and we all held hands & looked at the trees together. It was almost-warm & almost-cool and I watched the colored leaves dance in the wind and felt such content.

My sister asked if I was excited to move, and I mentioned that it'll be a big adjustment to be without my family again. To not have the "daily" life with all of them, and to realize that sometimes I'll be alone and not want to be. I wasn't sad, or outwardly saying anything that would show that I was upset. However, my nephew got up unprompted, came over to me and buried himself in my arms.

He laid his eyes on my shoulder and patted my back. I closed my mine.

Stomach: drop.

My three-year-old niece tonight said "I loooooooove Morgan!" (Morgan, her friend at school.) My two-year-old niece pointed at me and said "Me love YOU".

Stomach: drop.

My friend teared up at the bar the other night and grabbed my hand for a second before clearing her throat, moving briskly on other conversation. My granny just said "Why?" with this devastated look on her face today when I said I was moving. My cousin said I'd miss the baby being born.

I feel so guilty. I feel excited, and I feel so incredibly scared. I'll be on my own again--truly on my own--for the first time in so long. On the way home in the car tonight, I saw a shooting star and I whispered "Please, please make this be worth something" as my wish.

This is a good thing--these are exciting things about to happen. But how I'll miss my co-pilots in this adventure.

Here I go again:

Stomach: drop.


Ms. Moon said...

All I can say is- if you miss them more than you can bear, you can move back. You're not heading to the New World, never to see them again.
Remember that and breathe. It may not be the same, but you can still be a big part of their lives.

SJ said...

Yes, I know I'll survive and hopefully even thrive and we'll all go on. It will just be such an adjustment & I know the little moments are those I can't get back. Above all, I am so grateful to have been here in KY here and now, and gotten to build such a strong foundation with my family (which one day, I'll have to write about the dynamics more fully to get across the wonder of THAT).

May said...

SJ! It is so exciting! And you said it exactly- a stomach drop. My stomach dropped when I read the part about your nephew putting his eyes on your shoulder and patting your back. So precious. But see, you have that in your heart! And just think of all you will have to tell them, all the many stories you'll tell over the phone and on visits. It's funny, all this is making me realize how good an age it is to be moving, in that you can get and send pictures and messages instantly, all the time. Last time I moved away, only 10 years ago, there were no camera phones and sending pics over the internet involved a scanner. We can all stay closer now, even far apart. And you really are beautiful.

Maggie May said...

i would echo the wonderful ms. moon.

Bethany said...

Oh gosh, I just found your blog and started with this post so don't know the whole story, but you are very brave. I was tearing up at your stories. How wonderful to be so loved. I love that you can feel the mix of excitement and saddness. That's not easy. But it's so important and human, healthy and wise. Best wishes. You look ready for great things in that fantastic photo. ;-) Thanks for stopping by my blog. You made my night.

SJ said...

May, you're the beauty!

Yes Maggie, that Ms Moon is very wise indeed...

Bethany--thanks so much for stopping by!! Keep on coming by :) I try very hard to be brave, but sometimes I feel like I'm failing at that...