Wednesday, November 11, 2009

And I wonder as I wander...

Every day feels like the last day before something happens.

I keep thinking--maybe tomorrow, I'll hear for sure. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to set into motion my plans for the future.

Maybe tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life.

I tried to communicate all this crazyness to my doctor on Monday, and I walked out with a prescription for some anxiety meds that will hopefully help. I felt really strange going into the doctor to ask for medicine to help me cope with what is honestly, a GREAT problem to be having. I feel so ungrateful sometimes, as I watch unemployment numbers rise and I sit and fret and brood over which opportunity to take next.

But, it's not about not being grateful for the things that are there. I am constantly thinking of how lucky I am, and continuously grateful that I have opportunities at all. I know how fleeting it all can be, too, which is why I also feel such urgency to take whatever opportunity presents itself in a sure way first.

Which will hopefully be....tomorrow.

I keep looking at pictures tonight, old ones, mostly of when I studied abroad in Denmark. I look at that 21 year old girl, with the short blond hair and silver glasses, and I miss her. God, how I miss that girl who was SO confident of herself that she got on a plane with complete strangers to spend a summer across the ocean. I miss that girl with the chunky silver necklace, baggy gray pants and I always wore that blue jacket. With the hood--it was always raining.

I am thinking of the nights I wrote in my green notebook for hours on the streetcorners of Copenhagen. And how funny it is that 7 years later, I write now to all of you, as I wait for the morning. And wait for the rest of my life, carrying that 21 year old within me, always.

Was that the best I'll ever be?


Ms. Moon said...

Oh hell no. That is not the best you'll ever be, no matter how beautiful you were, no matter how special a time it was.
Take my word for this. There is so much more.

May said...

I bet the best is yet to come.
Again while I was reading this I thought, "I so understand..." I think about my adventures years ago and I wonder the same things you said. Your next adventure is coming soon, and who knows who you'll be when you get there? So exciting!