Sunday, October 11, 2009


There are moments when I think I'm better.

But then I get a phone call, and I crash to the ground all over again. It was back to the bathroom floor tonight, and back there all over again, after a great weekend. But one small text message and I am up, walking shaky to the bathroom to be sick over a love that can't ever, ever be mine.

I am making such good strides in my life. I am moving--no idea where, at this point, but I will whenever I make my mind up to accept one of these offers. (A quick update on that is that I am going through the formal process with both of them, and continuing to feel out each opportunity to decide what is going to be best for me.)

I lost weight. I am building new relationships, investing in the ones I have, and am doing things to make myself better. I am praying (which turns into more like pleading) and I am reading and I am thinking and I am writing. And I am getting better.

But then, I come to the ground and remember that I'm an absolute fool in love with a fool who is in love with someone else. And that someone is not me, and it won't be. The toll this is taking on my self-esteem is probably a little bit disturbing. I will look at myself in the mirror and only see the person who wasn't picked. 'Never loved you, never loved you' becomes a mantra to be repeated at my own reflection and I'm constantly reminding myself what an idiot I am to be having these feelings and to have harbored them for so long. To have, frankly, ALLOWED them to go on for so long by creating proximity and forcing a friendship that I am really going to miss.

I am sitting here with a cold washcloth on my own head, after picking myself up off the floor. I am really, really tired of doing that. I want someone else to take over--to make me a washcloth, to fix me a ginger ale, to remind me that my life may eventually be worth something.

Life doesn't make any sense to me at all sometimes, and I'm getting so tired of falling into this hole again and again.

I wonder sometimes if anyone will ever help me up.


adrienne said...

i hear you.

Kori said...

I have been where you are, and all I can tell you is that it takes time and a shitload of work. Ever read anything by Anne Lamott? She has this great line about relationships and she says, "One thing I know for sure, though, is that when you are hungry, it is an act of wisdom each time you turn down a spoonful if you know that the food is poisoned." And that line got me through a lot of years-yes, years-when I just kept fidning myself in this situation that just wasn't EVER going to work out. I would repeat that to ymself all of the time, reminding myself NOT to pick up that phone, NOT to try to maintain a friendship with someone I loved so much because it hurt me every time, etc...and it to this day is one of three or four things hat actually got me through.

And I think of you, and wish for you strength and peace-because dam it, it is SO hard to let go of somethign we want so badly, even though our rational minds tell us to just stop already. It takes some time for our hearts to catch up to where our heads already are, I think.

TheAbsolutPINK said...

Kori has good advice. It takes time, and you have to distance yourself from this person in order to ever truly move on. In the end - your self esteem and your future is way more important than a friendship if it causes you this much pain.

Remember, someone out there is looking for you, too.

SJ said...

Thanks Kori. I have read Anne Lamott but haven't read that phrase yet, but you're right, it is extremely helpful. It is like turning down a spoonful of poison when you're starving and it can be just as toxic to the system to consume. I don't know how on earth I'm going to get through this, but I know I will. I keep telling myself that over and over--it makes me feel weak, in a way, but I know it's something everyone experiences.

Am keeping fingers crossed, on all counts, that something good will come out of all of this.

Ms. Moon said...

I think Kori gave you great advice. But it's so hard. So hard to remember that. I want you to be so happy. I do, sweet woman. I do.

Maggie May said...

It will get better if you dig deep and listen and look hard. I was there. You can do it.