Thursday, October 29, 2009


"And, P.S., if this is Austin...I still love you."

I just returned from five days in Austin, working our annual conference, and I'm still recovering from working about 90 hours in just a few short days (that included a 6am Saturday morning flight!). This was a difficult trip for me, as my current opportunities began to intersect with my job, and I found out that a few people know what I'm dealing with right now. My industry is a small, small world, and it was a delicate balancing act that I had to perform this weekend. Dancing around industry politics, keeping certain things quiet (and my co-workers shielded from potential news of my departure) was ....challenging, to say the least.

I got home late last night and crashed into bed, and work came all too early this morning.

So I'm walking around with tired eyes and a little bit distant with everyone I think. I feel like I've missed a hundred news stories, a dozen blog entries, and am still catching up with email. After all this traveling, conference food and stress, I think I've gained back a few of those lost pounds. I'm going to try to run in the morning, since I (blessedly) took the day off.

So that's it, for my world. That quote up there is from a country song, an older one, and it's been running through my head for a few days.

Mostly because I think I am falling out of love.

I had a rougher day with it today, being back in my familiar environment, but part of me just doesn't care anymore. All this distance between us (this, and all the other travels of late) is showing me that time and distance really IS going to make this go away. I will not feel like this forever, although it seems impossible now. Falling out of love, with a tiny new crush, and it feels so sweet. Frightening and unbelievable...but GOOD.

My traveling is almost over (one more trip next week), and my decision needs to be made. I will soon begin putting things in boxes, and thinking about what's next. I made a doctor's appointment --for me, that is HUGE-- to perhaps get on an anxiety medicine. The stress of making all these decisions, having a constant struggle in my head and knowing that my life is going to change very soon, but I don't know where, how, or when--this is difficult for me and the stress is starting to show. Probably not to others, but I can tell.

Our weeks at conference are always stressful, with the constant fires to put out and the togetherness that makes us all lash out. But, I noticed that when I was dealing with added stressors on top of my already-in-place stressors, I felt like I was perpetually dangling on the verge of a panic attack if ONE MORE thing had happened. I would step back from the situation, re-group, grab my coping mechanism of choice at the time, whether that was a friend or a glass of wine.

I am able to calm myself. My sister is not able to do this, and tells me this is a critical thing in determining my "not-craziness" ;) But, each time I have to do that, it makes me just a little bit more anxious that next time, I may not. So, I'm going to do something about it.

And I will do my best to get back into my routines, and maybe I'll run an extra mile tomorrow.

Why not?

I feel like I run ten extra miles every day, just to stay in the race.


Ms. Moon said...

Hey! May and I were just talking about you today, wondering where in the hell you were. Glad you're back.
As to the anxiety- go see the doctor. There's no need to try to live like that, always afraid you're about to go off the deep end. Believe me- you do NOT want to get to that point.
And really, glad you're back.

Kori said...

I, too, have missed you, and echo what Ms. Moon says about going to the doctor; I know mine saved my life, truly, and I don't EVER want to go back to where I was, emotionally.

Thinking of you-

SJ said...

It really means alot to know I was missed, and thought of, and both of these made me smile :) It's so funny how fast, and fierce, we can form these connections.

May said...

A tiny new crush can be so sweet and so healing.
I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself. I'm sorry that things are stressful. Sometimes for me, when I'm about to make a big change, everything that gets in my way becomes so big... But then when the change is made and all is new and I can breathe I feel a little glad that it was hard because it makes saying goodbye to a time or a place easier. I hope that breathing time comes soon for you.

May said...

I'm so impressed with your running!

SJ said...

Oh girl, don't be impressed. I jog and run only about half the time, and I do two miles so I'm definitely not doing any marathons anytime soon :) I'm impressed I get off my lazy ass at all these days, and need to really get back on my game!