In two days, I'll be 28.
This is more of a milestone birthday for me than any other I can think of in the future. My mother was 28 when she had me -her only child. I remember being young and thinking of this mythical age of 28 as being something so far in my future -and when I was in my early 20's, I always could point to that age of 28, feeling that somehow, I had until then to finally have it all together.
It's strictly personal - I know 28 to everyone else isn't really a big deal, really at all. But it always was to me, and because of that, I am having a difficult time. And I hate that about myself...I hate that I make such a big damn deal about things that are symbolic of nothing and have no grounded cause to ignite angst and emotion. And I have angst and emotion. Oh, do I have it. But what the hell for?
So what if my mother was 28 when she had me? Should it mandate that I automatically have children when I am 28? Of course not, I know this. It would be different if I didn't want them. If I didn't feel the clock ticking all the time, and have baby fever irrationally. I don't know if it's about the innate need I have to nurture others, or if I'm looking for something to "complete" my life or somehow add meaning to the mundane. That's alot of pressure to put on these hypothetical children of mine. They're not even here yet, and they're already expected to live up to my unreachable expectations =)
I am discontent in almost every aspect of my life, and I feel like as each safety net keeps getting yanked out from under me, it's another sign for me to see the obvious. You know the anecdote about the man standing on the roof of his house in a flood, praying to God to please rescue him. A boat comes along, but he won't get in it because God is coming. Then a second boat comes. Then a helicopter comes, but the man still won't get in because God is coming to rescue him. The man finally succombs to drowning, gets to heaven and demands to know why God didn't save him --to which God replies something along the lines of, I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what else did you need?!
Is God standing straight in front of me, holding up a billboard sign and hollering, as I look up to the clouds and ask for answers?
I need something to change. I want so badly to do all these things in the world, be this particular kind of person, but that person seems so far from what I am now that it almost seems incomprehensible that I will ever be able to bridge the gap between who I am and who I want to be.
But it's time to start building a bridge across the gap - and pray its not another bridge to nowhere. I need to find some bricks, and start laying them.
I think that I just might find that the bricks are already there. And I just hadn't been looking hard enough.