Monday, October 22, 2012

It's Getting Dark In Here



The world has lost several fine men this month. My little network of family, colleagues and friends has been hit hard with tragedy, and while none close enough to me that I needed to revist the bathroom floor, it's been a tough few weeks.

My boss's father is about to die from lung cancer, and he is a distraught mess. My already-busy work schedule is being compounded with adding on his workload, and my traveling has really ramped up. We're in such a holding pattern until after we see if we have a new President, and what the new Congress will look like. Until then...we wait.

Blah, blah. I feel like I've been really boring lately. All work and no play makes SJ an even-more dull person.

I haven't laughed nearly enough this month, even though I've been listening to David Sedaris almost daily on my drives home and watching marathon Parks & Rec episodes at home. I suppose it's hard to find the humor in anything when each few days you hear of another person passing on, and in so many ways you are more alone than you've ever been.

I'm so lonely that sometimes, I feel that I may go crazy.

I am so tired of being second-best (or third-best, etc etc) to everyone--I know this has been a common theme in my blog but it just IS a part of my reality that I have no one putting me at the top of any proverbial list.

When I am at my darkest hours, I don't fear anything. If something happens to me? Meh.

We had a bomb scare next door with explosives planted in a local mall next door to my building--I barely even blinked when the FBI and HS showed up outside. I told the staff to go home, but I stayed. Too much work and frankly, I don't get worked up enough to be scared of anything these days. My flight last week was so bumpy that I woke up when my head, where I was sleeping, banged against the window and jarred me. I found my jacket, made it into a pillow, and went back to sleep.

I know I am loved, and cared about deeply. I know that I am valued. But I just don't feel it very much lately.

There is so much I wanted to have by now.

-10.22.12

6 comments:

thirtystory said...

I don't tell you that I love you enough - I never want you to feel like you aren't valued by me. I treasure our friendship and our ability to pick up right where we left off even after so many years of "long distance" friendship.

I know work has been pulling you every which way this month - and I hope it chills out so you can enjoy your favorite month. :) 2 seconds more & ketchup.

liv said...

Although I don't know your exact pain, I can identify with where you're coming from.
I heard on the news this morning that for every 3 hrs. of television you watch you shorten your life by 22 minutes - I shall probably die on Saturday - I calculate.

That last bit about in your darkest hour you feel no fear was so well put. It's a kind of numbness isn't it? But don't resolve yourself to it. In some small corner of your life you must keep a tiny candle of hope...and occasionally light it. I'd send you matches if I had your address...and I could find them.

Thanks for writing - I miss it.

Maggie May said...

Hey sweetie. I'm so glad that you are still here banging these words out and telling it like it is for you. This to me is what blogging is about and why I love it. You are awesome. That is all I've got right now, but it's a hell of a lot.

SJ said...

Dre--thank you. I love you too.

Liv--thank YOU for always reading. I'm so glad you look forward to my words, no matter what they may be.

Maggie May--thank you for hanging with me.

mrs.missalaineus said...

was thinking about people who live near the storms and you came to mind. fill up the tub with water and batten down the hatches.

xxalainaxx

SJ said...

Thank you Miss A! I'm hunkering down :) :)

Thanks for thinking of me. It's okay here for now, but I believe it's going to start getting pretty bad in about an hour.