Sunday, October 23, 2011

Flashes of gratefulness and depression beyond belief keep coming bright before my eyes. I want my house to be my own again. One second later, I don't want people to stop being here. What will happen when they go? I haven't been alone except for the rare hour or so, here and there, for over a month. I live alone, and am used to living my life almost completely on my own (as readers--all 3 of you--know very well). This is different for me. I want my life back. I don't want it either.

My dad and stepmom came. I started my new job from home. It's intense, and this is going to be completely different than what I was used to in some ways...but that is a very good thing. I'm doing federal government affairs now, so all the Congressional antics that keep playing out on Cspan now suddenly are personal. They dictate whether or not I'm up all night, whereas previously, it was the Governors of the states who did that. And they tended to be much less dramatic ;) Joint debt ceiling resolution? Did anyone pay attention to that? Turns out I should have been - because now my paycheck depends on my awareness of its outcome.

A day in the life. Right now, it begins with my mom bringing me oatmeal as I stumble my way into the kitchen on crutches.

One month ago today...I was laying down in bed, and facing surgery the next day. I'm four weeks and two days post-operation. Five weeks away from this whole thing happening. I still find myself re-playing it in my head. But not once--not once--have I questioned this. I haven't mourned my lost vacation, or thought about all the things I was going to have seen. It never seemed real to me--like the whole time we were planning, we were just playing.

Turns out, we were.

And now it's October. My favorite month ever...and I can't be out in it. I got to go out to my front steps today. Cast on, crutches laid beside me, I sat on the steps and small-talked with people going by. Looked at the leaves that have gotten their colors now. I realized they were starting to do that a couple weeks ago when my best friend was here, before Dad took his shift and my college friends came with kiddos and two HUGE gift baskets of stuff that I'll never be able to actually eat. She forced me outside and I sat there blinking in the bright sun and feeling weird about being outside. She talked on her blackberry and sometimes glanced my way and I alternated between wondering why she'd come and feeling grateful as hell that she had.

Look, I said, pointing to the tree. It's starting to change.

I'm halfway to being able to be fully mobile. I'm hoping so much that THIS, this, is starting to change. I'm working from the couch, watching bad TV and learning my coworkers' quirks from afar, and doing it all without learning just yet where the bathrooms are and what the coffee protocol is in the kitchen. I get a little break, to google things like "proposed rulemaking" in the privacy of my own home while I'm on a call needing to know arcane congressional procedural rules (wake up, I won't talk about procedural rules again, I promise).

I get my cast off on Monday, and I get a walking boot on. I start being able to put pressure down on it in about two weeks--I think--alot depends on what the doctors say when I go on Monday. I think I'll be able to go into the office around Thanksgiving. I need to navigate what i'm going to do about thanksgiving, and Christmas, and and and.....


For now, I am trying to heal. I am taking my vitamins. Multi's every day, extra vitamin D. Lots and lots of milk. Lots of mom grilling me cheese sandwiches. Lots of my dad and stepmom cleaning my house. Lots of my college friends making me mexican dishes to freeze since they're my favorite. Lots of my friends here sending me edible arrangements. Lots of food, food, food it seems like. I can't move! Don't give me more calories!!

It's fall and I've fallen and broken. I'm halfway standing, and hoping for healthy winters to come.

"Three thousand five hundred miles away...what would you change if you could?"


Ms. Moon said...

Wow. What a long, strange trip it's been, huh? No pun intended. One second and everything changes.
Well, it is what it is and it seems to me from here that you are handling it pretty darn well.
Next October will be even more precious to you. You will not let one leaf go unchanged without noticing it, being aware.
Love from Lloyd...M

liv said...

Dear, you sound exactly like you are supposed to sound after such a huge and life altering "trip". This is not a small thing. Recovery is a damn slow process, but you are on that path and it sounds like it's going well, and YEA! about the walking cast.
The hardest thing for me when I broke mine was to believe that life would ever be "normal" (that's a relative term....) again. But it will. I promise you.
And good for you for going outside. Do it again, and again. Being in that fresh air and seeing life around you helps a little with the inner healing - and that is a part of this too. xoxo

liv said...

And PS:........ I just have to say that it is so refreshing and gratifying to hear you describe your recovery in terms in which you REALLY experience it. Not some all gooey pollyanna woo woo way, but the way it really is ...hard. It sucks, it super sucks to have a major break like this. And it is only through the authentic description of your struggle that we (I) can hear the true journey of your survival and healing. Thank you for being brave and telling the truth of it.

Mel said...

Oh sweetie. I have such a hard time being taken care of too. I'm not good at being sick or injured, as I'm a first class control freak and I can't imagine how awful this has been for you, just the pain alone! And the inconvenience. I'd be whining a lot, and sniffling little pity parties in the shower where no one could see.
The new job sounds interesting and frustrating and I'm sure you'll be great at it.

I'm glad you got to sit outside in the sun and see the trees and hope you're more ambulatory now. Be careful out there, and keep taking care of yourself as you wean off the family. If you need a place to whine, the blog is as good as any, I think.

Mel said...

Thanks for stopping by, and I'm 5'2" too, so we're both yings!