I've been looking so long at these pictures of you...

Once upon a time, I started a blog.

A few years later, I stumbled onto Mamapundit.com, thanks to our fabulous Maggie May. I quickly became interested, and followed Katie Granju's story as her son Henry fought for his life in the hospital following a drug overdose.

As a childless woman, I don't exactly fit the typical Mamapundit audience. Not being a mommy, I don't get into the mommy blogs...yet, I was drawn to Katie due to our shared beliefs, values, and eerie similarities.

Then, Henry died. Henry's Fund sprang up in his honor, and one day, I emailed Katie and her sister Betsy, who was appointed the Executive Director of Henry's Fund, and wanted to offer my help. In the course of my job, I track health legislation, specifically behavioral health issues, so I wanted to offer up anything I could do. Since I couldn't actually DO anything physically, so I thought this could be something helpful. After al, Katie was and still is fighting for justice for her son's homocide.

Fast forward a few months, and Betsy came to DC and had a beer with me.

Fast forward a year later, and well, this.

Betsy brought her kids, and one of Katie's (Henry's younger brother) up to DC for a few days to visit. My house was transformed into a kid-zone, and we had a blast.

We were eating jumbo slices of pizza in the park at night, watching the kids run hysterically burning off energy, and I told Betsy I felt like my Facebook had sprung to life. She posts pictures of her kids nearly every day, and I've now "known" the family for about a year and a half. I talk to Betsy in some capacity nearly every day. And yet, it was the first time I met the kids. They were a trip and a half -- such smart, clever, and funny kids.

We found Ghandi on a walk around my neighborhood:

I got my hair did:

We watched Justin Beiber on  my floor:



It is amazing, what the internet can do. How we have such full lives, friends, schedules...and yet, we still found each other. I still managed to find this family who is in Knoxville doing amazing things to honor their Henry, and become their friend from 600 miles away.

What a world.

Thank you, Henry.

Laugh -- now.

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I came home today after eight days on business, during which I spoke for the first time in front of a 100+ crowd. I clicked along my powerpoint pointer, got a few laughs, and became flustered when a photographer came too close. When it was over, I sat down with an adrenaline rush that lasted until....4 days later. It's been a long week. I say that knowing there is no way to put into words the amount of physical and mental brainpower that went into pulling off the week past of 37,000+ attendees at our conference, and the thrill that came from knowing I'm working toward something with meaning and purpose.

But nonetheless, eight days is eight days, and that's a long time to be away and to be "on" -- to have that smile, button the suit jacket, extend the hand and shake. On the plane back tonight, I alternated between reading a major federal regulation that dropped a few days ago, and sleeping. I woke up feeling disoriented, and turned on my cell to find out very sad news. A long-ago friend had died in a tragic accident, and my hands literally shook when I read the news. I looked out the window for a few long minutes and tried to catch my breath, then gathered my bags and walked off the plane.

At baggage claim, I watched a toddler fling herself into the arms of her mother and I kept walking as my eyes filled with tears. I have a wonderful life and a host of loved ones, but every now and then my breath catches with what I don't have. Age has taught me that instead of counting my blessings one-by-one and feeling guilty, I have to just feel what I feel and not apologize for it. I heard their loud greetings and laughter as I rode the elevator, and I shook my head against an impending spiral-down, centered, sighed, and carried on.

I alerted my favorite people via text that I had landed, and rode home in a cab in silence. I watched the lit-up monuments slide past my window as I tapped a forefinger on the glass silently to greet them. "Hello again, there you are; and here I am."

I live in the middle of a fairly popular place in DC to eat, socialize, etc. Tonight as my cab made its way, I noticed the familiar black Escalades and saw that certain side streets had been cleared. I knew what this meant -- El Presidente was near. I didn't think much of this, since I didn't assume he was hanging out in my living room and that's the only place I wanted to be.

We arrived, and the cabbie hauled my giant suitcase to the ground. I grabbed it, and started pulling it around the corner to a local corner store so I could grab a cheap bottle of wine and a frozen pizza (for cash only) from a local owner that I knew would be watching re-runs of America's Funniest Home Videos and laughing like a crazy person over them. I left the store, pulled my fleece jacket tighter around me, and headed for home.

To my left -- I saw her. Michelle Obama was sitting in a presidential (I would assume) vehicle and I guess had just come from eating at a restaurant on my block. I was tired and little heart-broken, along with wanting, needing, uncertain...all of those adjectives that don't exactly add up to being your most gracious neighborhood host.

And yet, I did something I almost never do. I raised my hand in a half wave/ half-salute. I didn't know what else to do.

We looked at each other for a second, and then she raised her hand back to me. I wonder what I must have looked like to her -- a native in stretchy pants and a blue fleece sweatshirt and red eyes from crying. She watched me for at least an hour (fifteen seconds) and that was that. The car left and she was gone, and I was still standing there. The entire encounter couldn't have been more than two minutes.

Sighing, I picked up my two bags and grabbed my suitcase handle, and turned back to my house. My way-upstairs neighbor hollered at me "welcome home!" from the party he was having on the roof and rose a beer to me. I smile and waved back. Hello again -- there you are.

Here I am.

My life these days

Can be summed up by the few words just spoken by our company Vice President to the team: "Every day here, we have a wonderful opportunity to work on our problem-solving skills."

AKA...every day here, we light our hair on fire and run around hysterically. Major convention happening next week. More attendees registered than the population of my hometown -- 36,000 and counting.

My hair's on fire, but at least it lets me see the light.

The Ties That Bind

Yesterday, when I logged on to Facebook, I noticed that along the left sidebar, there were four profiles that appeared at the very top of my friends list. If you view your Facebook homepage, your friends are starting to list along that side. They rotate and shuffle their order randomly, so each time I hit refresh, a new sequence appears.

These four people were on the very top of my 300ish "friends" that range across the spectrum of this widely cast net that has encompassed my life so far. These four friends were as follows:

Maggie May

Angie M

Bethany M

Katie Granju

I had to stop and register this for a moment. You see, all four of these women I have never met (save one). And yet, all four of these women have changed my life, even still.

The entire time I've kept this blog, I figure I have a maximum of ten readers. I keep my little circle small, rarely letting in anyone in my "real" life, and I've done this now for about four years. Yet despite this, on a rainy Saturday, I am shown that the women I know only through this blog and and the lives I've shared with them throughout every day that have added up to weeks and months and years IS real life.

Over the last 4-5 years, I have read Maggie's writings with my breath literally held, lest she take it away with the things she writes. I watched her kids grow into teenagers, her miscarriage, her pregnancy, Ever's birth. I have read Angie's powerful essays, and have gotten the chance to meet this wonderful woman and her family in Oregon when I was passing through. That was my first experience actually meeting a blogger-friend, and it was excellent. I watched Bethany climb through a breakup, keeping her house, nurturing her pets, and growing by leaps and bounds (even if she doesn't know it, she has.) I watched as all three of them became integral parts of my life.

I watched as Maggie led me to Katie Granju -- whom I "met" after her son Henry passed away, and I watched with increasing outrage as her and her son's story was met with dismissal by authorities. I watched as she began a non-profit, Henry's Fund, for her son, I watched as she had her fifth and last baby, and I've watched how she has continued to fight and breathe and work and I've watched all this in awe. I watched Katie's sister Betsy take the Henry's Fund helm and try to bend and shape the lump of clay into something full of meaning and beauty.

I watched as Betsy struggled to honor her nephew that she loved like a son, and I knew that unique place from which she came, having loved and continue to fiercely love my own nieces and nephews. I know that love. I wrote a little note to Betsy one day, offering to help with Henry's Fund. A few months later, I got to hug her neck, and many more months later, we've formed a friendship that means we can answer the phone with each other while in the bathtub and I can start sentences like "Ok, this is going to sound crazy, but..."

These connections would never, ever have been without this blog, without these words.

My words, your words. Connections that form and grow, then begin to weave to lead to entangled lives, and all of a sudden you look up and realize that it is impossible to say that no, we haven't met.

I know you.

You know me. You know the deepest desires of my heart; you know what makes me tick. I am awfully honored to share in your company.

Write on.

-- SBJ

Busy

Well, I guess I should update if for no other purpose, it will no longer look as though I were drowning in despair.

Things are fine. They are busy. I have never been this busy at a job before, even at those in which I *thought* I was busy, but no. Not nearly like this. I'm blogging this during my one free hour of my calendar today and though it's 2:00, I've already been on 8 calls this morning. I work for a global company now, and I'm among "senior management" even though with such a large organization, there are probably about a hundred of us.

My routine has totally shifted. I drive to work everyday now, and I haven't spent so much time in the car in years. I am working in another county, and my view outside my window is no longer the Capitol, but ... Macy's. I'm doing the backwards commute though, and still living in DC proper with no plans to leave. One of my favorite times of the day are coming home in the evenings (and I'll miss this when the sun starts setting later) and seeing all the monuments lit up by the sunset, and all the taillights heading south or north out of the city. I coast in, unhindered by traffic, and wave goodbye to everyone leaving my city to us urban dwellers.

My ankle still hurts all the ding dang time. Yes, yes, yes I'm in physical therapy and although that helps, I'm still also in pain a good deal. I have to actively NOT limp while out in public. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't. Luckily, my job lets me telework sometimes so if it gets really bad, I stay home. Although I've only done that twice I think.

Let's see....I'm not dating anyone, not trying to date anyone, and the way I've been eating and not at all exercising due to the pain, I can say with cheerful certainty that I am probably the most unhealthy I've ever been. I used to try hard to drink alot of water each day, now I have no time to make to the bathroom much less to the kitchen to GET water. It's something I'm going to have to work on, but not right now. We're gearing up for our huge convention, I work late every night, and I refuse to throw myself on board a guilt trip train about not eating my broccoli. I'll get to it. Not today, though.

Since it's Friday, and since several things have made me giggle lately, I'll leave you with these 2 videos to give a little glimpse of where I work and live. Gauranteed to make you laugh. Happy Friday. Better get the phone.

It is not going well.

There is a line from a movie, and I'll be damned if I can remember absolutely anything about it. Other than someone shouts (I think into a phone) with a lot of chaos and things going on around him. He shouts "It is not going well!"

So this is me, shouting that at all of you, so to speak. It is not going well.

2012 kicked off with me passed out on the couch, having drank too much Dayquil I guess. And overdosed on amoxicilian. I did have a big glass of red wine thinking that wouldn't be too big of a deal -- ha ha! I was asleep in about one minute after finishing it.

Let's see-- the day before last night, found me curled in a fetal position crying. All day. ALL DAY.

This may be a good time to mention that I was 8 days off my antidepressant, having left it at my office before going to Kentucky. When I came back, I guess I felt ok because I decided there was no time like the present to just toss that little sugar pill to the curb.

Sugar pill, my white ass. My head was spinning so fast that I almost passed out at Trader Joes last week. I realized the power these pills actually do have on my brain, and it scared me. I developed a cold, which I still have, even though I cried uncle and started taking it again 2 days ago. Symptoms for withdrawal actually include cold/flu symptoms. How bizarre is that??  Then again, THIS little fellow was sickly all through Christmas, and there was no way I could resist kissing that face again and again....so we'll blame him, too :)

Christmas was alright. It actually went a little better than expected since I got to see my nieces and nephews at their own houses after Santa came, and it worked out okay after all. I think I made the whole thing a bigger deal than it really was--the issue of them wanting to be at home on Christmas Day and not with the whole family. They didn't mind if I was there, but they wanted to be at home lazing around with Santa presents, and I understand that when I stop looking at things through my "all about me" lens. I know how fast and fleeting these years of Santa are, and I am glad I got over it and didn't inadvertantly punish myself by not going over and seeing them.

Work is going to start kicking my ass to the next county, starting approximately tomorrow. We're officially closed, but I'm treating it like a regular work day, and I'm determined to start this off right. It's time for me to dig in with both heels and get through the next few months. I think when it's done, I'm going to take a small vacation.

It will not be a cruise.

But most likely...I'll go home to see these people. The last picture is me with my newest nephew, who is much much cuter than that picture portrays. He also doesn't have creepy white eyes like that. :) He's my last little bundle, as my sisters declare they are done.

All signs seem to indicate that I will be alone for the rest of my entire life. But...I guess fingers are crossed that someday, maybe, I'll contribute to the pack as well.

Happy 2012. Here we go again, ya'll.