Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I am struggling.

It's the point I was at this time last summer, and the summer before that. And probably the one before that. It's middle of summer; middle of the season where all terrible things happen to me. Nothing terrible has happened yet, but I'm waiting for it.

I struggle this time of year.

I want to smack my head against my desk for feeling this way at all. You know, this desk I have in this big office with a big window and cherry furniture. Sometimes I'll be standing in the middle of my office with my bluetooth in my ear, on one of my zillion conference calls I have per day, I'll stop and pause. Note the TV in my office tuned to Cspan. Note that hey--didn't I get everything I wanted?

I did. And, I do want it. I am lucky beyond measure. I've worked hard for this, without sacrificing my relationships with my family and friends. I have life in abundance.

I said that word to myself last night, willing the anger not to rise up. I am blessed with work/friends/family in abundance. But still, the anger comes. Boiled over at 3:39 this morning as I tossed and turn. Anger at God, anger at myself, anger at the anger cycles that come this time of year. Anger that it is just damn hard to love someone that doesn't love you back. It is hard to face that feeling day after day, year after year. It makes it impossible to move on; to find someone new. Anyone. Days like this, that hateful, mean feeling rises in my throat....and i would give ANYTHING to be able to go out and run without causing permanent damage to my ankle--my doctor nixed running until at least one year post-surgery. Walking just doesn't let me get the mads and the sads out the way running did.

Yesterday it's been 9 months since the break. I feel broken all over, and vulnerable today.

Time for another conference call.


liv said...

It's these kinds of post that make me so happy that I found you.

Not happy, in that you're sad or feeling broken, but in awe of your courage and laser sharp ability to articulate it and not excuse it or apologize for it. I come here to see a brave woman dealing with it.

I'm a little in awe and hoping that you find a way to shake it out and get some comfort soon. xx

Ms. Moon said...

Yes. I understand. And it's hard. And you hang on and wait until it passes and it will.
And walking may not be as good as running at getting the mads out, but it is better than nothing.
Hang in there. That's all I can say.

Mel said...

ok. I had sortof the same day yesterday and today, not the specifics, but for sure the same theme. I tried to explain to my daughter after she said something that wounded me a little, and she said what you need is a hug. I replied what I think I need is a good therapist. Time to pay somebody to listen to me because everybody else is tired of listening.

I am in this constant struggle with myself, whenever the part of me that's disappointed and tired tries to be heard, pollyanna pipes in with how lucky and ungrateful I am. It's beyond crazy making. I hear the same thing, you got everything you wanted and still you complain. I didn't realize how hard everything would be, and I think I forgot to consider myself in the fantasy.

I feel your pain, and more-so, because I know that I have the husband and kids that I should be so grateful for, that you probably long for, but it's not so much about that anymore as it is about me and that damn ticking ticking clock. I was supposed to do so many things, and I can't get out of my own way on a good day. And my decrepit old body that just keeps letting me down every damn day. Waaah, wining about me, I am. Sorry.

Anyway, if I could hug you I would. I'll be at BWI in September, maybe I could hug you then?


Kori said...

Just because you have abundance in your life doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time. Feel the feelings; they will pass with time. Wish I have better words, or even words you want to hear. think of you so often.

SJ said...

Thanks for your words, all of you.

Mel, keep me posted on BWI/September. I've got a handful of trips that month but it just may work!