Saturday, November 19, 2011


Publishing for Mel, who saw it before I took it down, and took the time to write. Thank you, you wonderful woman!
Tonight I am tired of borrowing.

I am tired of borrowing other people's families, other people's lives, other people's holidays. All the talk is of sisters want to have Christmas Day with their own families. The families they've created. Well, that's awesome and all, but I have to fly back to DC the very next day. So -what? I'm flying home for no reason? To sit and have Christmas Day alone or with my parents, who I love dearly, but I've seen an extraordinary amount during the past few months.

Oh sure, I guess it would be "okay" if I stopped by one or both of their homes for the day or for a few hours. But I can't help but feel banished, kept away from the sacred time. Time kept tucked away for the people we love the best.

I hate that no one loves me best. I hate that I am no one's "most special." I hate that everyone probably pities me, I hate that I am *that* pathetic woman who lives alone.

I am sad, lonely and frustrated, and tonight I want to just walk away from it all. Just disappear.

Maybe everyone would be better off.

Maybe I would be.

I'm so tired of living this way.


liv said...

Oh, SJ, you are soooooooooo beautiful. You are soooooooo sweet. Such a beautiful woman.

Wise beyond your years. I am crushed that you feel so lonely.

So wish that I'd seen it before you'd taken it down.

So wish that I could make a difference. But so glad that I have found you and your special brand of being. Truly you are a jewel. Wish I had the power to hold you up before the world. But I can only tell you that I see you in all your uniqueness.

Mel said...

Oh sweetie. I only saw the first lines of the post, there was nothing there when I clicked to see the rest. I'm sorry. Were you tactfully invited to come only for a few hours? I'd be crushed too.
Heck, I'm crushed that noone will come see me, but I've never been limited on the time I could spend with them.
I know you want to see the kidlets, and be the best aunt ever. It's hard to make distance and work schedules work out.
I know when we started our family, hundreds of miles away from the relatives, there was all this pressure to come see everyone. But I put my foot down about Christmas. It happened at our house, nobody elses. Maybe there's more to this - like if she can come stay, why can't the other side of the family and so on...
You are not that pathetic woman that lives alone. You are that smart brave woman who's working for what she believes in, who's had a streak of shitty luck, who's overdue meeting Mr. Just Right. You are special, I can tell, everyone can.
You're just hurting, and rightly so. Maybe you could ask your sisters - based on your work schedule - when would be a good time to visit them.
That doesn't make the hurt any less, or magically gone, though.
Once your head clears on this situation, you should decide what type of plan B makes you happiest and go for it. Go see old friends or stay home in your jammies - whatever refuels your tank. You've been through way too much lately, I thinking it's way past time for good things to come your way.
Sending you hugs over the wires.

TheAbsolutPINK said...

I know we talked about this some while i was there - and i think it's crappy that you can't all just celebrate christmas together and they can do their own smaller group stuff later. Holidays are a time of being together - not separating, i would be upset, too.

I do not pity you, I do not think you are pathetic, I do not think less of you for living alone. You are an amazing person, a friend who knows me better than i know myself sometimes. And i want nothing more than for you to feel how much I love you, and need you in my life. And so do so many others.