Publishing for Mel, who saw it before I took it down, and took the time to write. Thank you, you wonderful woman!
Tonight I am tired of borrowing.
I am tired of borrowing other people's families, other people's lives, other people's holidays. All the talk is of Christmas...my sisters want to have Christmas Day with their own families. The families they've created. Well, that's awesome and all, but I have to fly back to DC the very next day. So -what? I'm flying home for no reason? To sit and have Christmas Day alone or with my parents, who I love dearly, but I've seen an extraordinary amount during the past few months.
Oh sure, I guess it would be "okay" if I stopped by one or both of their homes for the day or for a few hours. But I can't help but feel banished, kept away from the sacred time. Time kept tucked away for the people we love the best.
I hate that no one loves me best. I hate that I am no one's "most special." I hate that everyone probably pities me, I hate that I am *that* pathetic woman who lives alone.
I am sad, lonely and frustrated, and tonight I want to just walk away from it all. Just disappear.
Maybe everyone would be better off.
Maybe I would be.
I'm so tired of living this way.