Today I feel like a scattered woman in every sense of the word. I'm struggling to absorb the impact of yet another thing that happened to shake America's psyche and to start us all bickering and attempting to define right vs wrong and in terms according to us and our interpretation of God. I'm struggling to keep my mouth shut to the absolutely moronic comments plauging my Facebook, comments sections of newspapers, talk radio, talk shows, talk talk talk everything. Can we all not be motherfucking quiet sometimes?
Work. Work, work, work. Changes are abounding here and they are WAY too long and messy and complicated to get into here in this forum, but lets just say, I need to find a new job. Tomorrow. So I start job searching -- sending resumes out, getting calls, getting on phone interviews. When all the while, I don't even WANT to work. I don't want to do another single policy position paper, or read another depressing report, or worry anymore about "whatthefuckarewegoingtodotokeeppeopleonMedicaid??" crazy disasters.
But work, I must. I got one call yesterday. I was excited until I learned it would likely be a $25,000 pay cut. I couldn't even pay my rent anymore.
In other but related news, I am holding a meeting in a few weeks and its going terribly. I'm bringing in seven state teams of people coming to learn from experts that I can't seem to get to the table. They are so smart that they can't LEAVE the jobs they are doing to come talk about them, and I completely understand that. Another state called me this morning and begged to come participate. "We won't even eat the food," she begged. I promise, we'll sit quietly. We just want to learn.
And I almost burst into tears at that. These people are struggling so, so much and for all their hard work, they're rewarded with idiots slamming lazy government workers on TV. Furloughs, taking away their benefits, pay cuts.
She wants to learn from me. And I feel like -- what can I give her? What kind of fortune can I wrap up in a cookie and send her home with when I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing every single day? How the hell did I end up here?
My life is as utterly uncertain as it has ever been. Sometimes I wonder if my desire for a husband and family is not quite as much about loneliness or biological clocks as it is that I so want to feel that something, anything, is solid. I walk every day waiting to have the rug yanked out from under me. I am clumsy, restless, and tense.
I need a vacation.
I've never taken one.