Not a wrap-up

I am terribly sentimental. I have a habit (as you long-time readers may know --all three of you), of constantly re-evaluating where I am in my life, and where I was exactly one year/two years/five years ago that day.  I tend to benchmark my life's progression by what all I have done with it.  And I am constantly disappointed, no matter how much I do and how much I accomplish. 

And you know what?  That ends today. Right now. I am so tired of beating myself up and it's doing no one a damn bit of good, especially not myself. 

I just spent seven wonderful days at home with my family, and crammed in as many friends as possible.  One night, I went to three different friends houses in the course of 4 hours, just so I could be sure to see everyone.  I had babies spit up on me, swung countless pre-schoolers through the air and onto the couch making them scream with laughter.  I counseled my fifteen year old neice on the dangers of drugs, boys and Justin Beiber --I think she didn't enjoy our counseling session nearly as much as I enjoyed giving it :) 

I never slept alone.  A kid or two or a friend was always with me throughout the entire trip.  And yesterday, I returned to DC, back to a life that is nearly always lived alone save for work and the few friends I have here.  And that is okay, honestly.  It won't be like this forever, and I know I am doing the right thing for me at the right time.  The reassurance I have of that just gentle knowing is a peace that sustains me beyond belief.

So one year ago today?  I was spending day two in my new apartment.  I probably cried a little bit, and I remember taking a long walk trying to figure out the bus routes.  The amount of stuff that's happened to me since that day blows my mind. 

I'm sitting here one block away from that same apartment, at a local coffee shop, about to eat an omelette and I have tea beside me.  I am going to drink mimosas with a friend at the dog park later as we let her puppies roam, and then I have a first date tonight.  I am back on the dating wagon, so buckle up tight.

And in the immortal words of Whitesnake--here I go again on my own. 

I think it's going to be okay. 

I heard the news today, oh boy…

So, far starters, I have no money. I have three bucks in cash, and I'm hoarding the last remaining dollars like a squirrel. I have plenty of money in my account, but I've lost my debit card and I'm still waiting on the replacement. I could go to my bank, write a check to myself and cash it of course, but my bank is several blocks away and well, it's freezing here. Like, 9 degrees freezing.  So i've been really, really cold.  And never, at all, taking a cab since cab drivers have the annoying habit of wanting to be PAID.  Hopping from foot to foot on the street corner waiting for a bus has basically defined my week. How's that for exciting news?

Yesterday, I got to go to the White House Holiday Open House and that was so fantastic. I'd never been in there before, and seeing it all decked out for the holidays, and have the ability to go on a self-guided tour with no one rushing us was so fun. Most of you are on my Facebook and can see my pictures, but I'll post a few below here:

So, I'm going to be an aunt. This is the TENTH time I've been able to say those words. (I *technically* have 10 already, but one is a step-daughter of my brother and she just kind of appeared in my life. I don't see her, or my brother's other two kids much, but I count them in the line-up anyway). My sister is pregnant with her third, and I can't wait. I love babies, and I adore my nieces and nephews (like you didn’t know that already) and I'm so, so lucky and blessed with them.

This will be the fifth baby on this side of my family, and there's a big likelihood I'll miss the birth day of this one too. One of my funniest memories center around the birth of this particular sister's second child. Since poor B was baby number two, there was significant less fanfare around her birth. There were only a few of us around and at one point, only a couple of hours after she was born, I found myself alone in the hospital room, holding her. Events unfolded something like this:

Me, holding baby in the empty room, while my sisters are in the bathroom of the hospital room doing…something: "Guys, can I come in?"

Sister L: "NO!"

Sister B: "Steph, if you ever want to have a baby, you do NOT come in here."

Ho-hum. I didn't. I still don't know what they were doing, and I don't think I want to know. Soon after, I was dispatched to the Diary Queen to get the new mother a chicken strip basket. Life was good.

And things are good in my world too. My christmas presents are wrapped, and today is my one-year anniversary at my job. I did it --met the goal of the year, and despite ALL the hardships of this year, I'm glad I did it. This will mean very well for my career and ultimately, that was the whole point.

I have no idea what the future holds but today, that's okay. And hey, at least I know it holds another baby for me to love--and that's enough for me.

More than enough.

RIP

Elizabeth Edwards--Mother, Advocate, and Champion of everything you believed in.  We admired you.  You loved well.

The classiest lady whose hand I have grasped in my own.

Thursday Thoughts

I am thinking of Madeline Alice Spohr, who would have been three today.

I am thinking of Henry Louis Granju, a boy whose life touched mine after he left his own.

I am thinking of all the children whose lives never got to be completed, and all the children whose lives are in progress in my life, and how I am learning to parent without ever parenting at all.

 I am thinking of the future children in my life on whom I may be able to use all this parenting practice.
 
I am thinking of my two best friends, one of whom I will spend my Thanksgiving with.  Whose hand I will hold before prayer, just as I have for over fifteen years.

And the one who will greet me at the airport tonight.

And the sweet faces I will hug to me this weekend.

I am thinking of my grandfather, who served in WWII, along with his six brothers.  Seven brothers went to war.  Seven brothers came home.  He wanted me to write a book about him and his brothers--maybe someday, I will.  I wish I could have just one more conversation with him.  

So here's to the veterans of war, the veterans of boot camp, the veterans of immeasurable loss.  And here's to the veterans who survived the wars of their own homes, the nightmares of broken dreams and broken homes, and to those who came out the other side with a slight limp in their step from suffered hurt.  To those who suffered the wars in their own minds from mental illness, and those who suffered the wars of addiction.

We are all survivors of something--veterans of the wars we fight on land, sea, air and in our minds.

Here's to them. Here's to us. Let's whisper thank-you to the wind, and hope it reaches someone's ear.

Rally to Restore Sanity 2010

These are worth a thousand words --it was a beautiful day.

 

It was, hands down, the most polite group of tens of thousands of people I've ever encountered.

A real update (with pictures!)

Gird your loins....this is a long one.


Washington is hot and sticky, and tomorrow promises to dawn cool and sunny and I think today is going to be the last day for sure that I can go to work without a jacket. I have been quiet on many fronts lately with absolutely nothing of excitement going on other than usual life-stuff. I am doing this deliberately, as I need to slow down, to heal, and to love those I love and not worry about anyone new right now.

It is utterly exhausting to be somewhere new all the time. One thing I've noticed this past year as I move into hitting my one-year mark of being here (seriously?), is that I've done an abundance of talking about me and small-talking. As I've settled into a new groove with new coworkers and new friends and new everything, it's been the SJ show as I answer questions like "What brought you to Washington? Tell me about your family. Where are you from? What do you like to do?" all the time. Dating wiped me out in that I got so tired of giving my little bio and talking about movies or whatever the hell. Can't get too deep, can't get TOO personal. But don't be too shallow, show some depth. But not too much. Same with new friends I guess --go easy, go light. Keep it simple, SJ.

Well -I suck at that after awhile. Luckily I've developed some good friendships here and a great repoire with my coworkers as we all share a slightly off-beat and colorful (sometimes crass...okay, often crass) sense of humor. But over the last several weeks that have turned into months, I find myself visibly relaxing in many ways. My stressor events are over. Now its just on to the holidays and I'll be traveling alot and going to parties and just having fun with it.

My parents were here two weeks ago. I scored tickets through work for a White House "Garden Tour" which I assumed meant we'd get to see a bit of the grounds. Um, no. We were at the White House front door. My parents LOVED it.

Here is the view with your back to the White House:

The Rose Garden:

The West Wing:

Michelle Obama's Garden:

Leaving...Goodbye Obamas!

It was a beautiful day.  My friend went with us, and we walked and walked around and couldn't have asked for better weather.

I am almost done with my christmas shopping, if everyone can freaking believe THAT! All 9 of my nieces and nephews are done, and I've got my Dad's present too. I have more to get, but I like having a chunk of it out of the way. Its so hard traveling around for the holidays and I inevitably will have to run to Walmart for my mother at midnight on Christmas Eve and grab up stuff for her to give away. She haaaates the holidays so she always puts it off and then panics.

It will be the first Christmas without my grandfather, and that will sting. I'm not sure how holly-jolly we are going to be, all things considered. It will be my first without my grandmother too, although she hadn't been "present" with us for a few years. But still, we won't make that trek to the nursing home and search her blue eyes for recognition of us. I miss them both every day. Every, every day. What a summer this was. I am so glad it is over.

I have my first date tomorrow night since August. I am slightly looking forward to it, as he is a deep thinker of a guy and a reader, as well as outdoorsy and I like that. I say "slightly" because you just never know how these things are going to go. We're going to dinner and I assume call it an early night.

Saturday morning, I'll be rallying with Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert with a few friends --I can't wait! I love that I can walk to these huge events in fifteen minutes. I am not looking forward to the mess of out-of-towners crushing the national mall, but oh well. We're planning to pack some coolers and make a day of it.

Sunday I am volunteering all day at DC Central Kitchen...time for me to start giving back to this community that for now, for better or for worse, I am a part of and it is a part of me.

Oh! I got a new kitten. Her name is Allie (for Alpha) and she and Charlie have developed an intense love for each other, well, as much intensity as a neutered/spayed relationship can have. It's hilarious and its been fun to have another little creature in the house to take care of --and with the amount of shit the shelter sent her home with such as parasites, botched spayings, etc-- she's been a tough one to take care of. She's good now. Here she is in her kitten cuteness:

At first, we had a rocky time:

But now, they are BFF.  Here they are simultaneously looking adorable....and creepy.  I leave you with this.

So many things to update you all on, but there will be time enough for that.  I've had visitors for the last two weekends, and this past weekend, my father and step-mother came to see me.  Last night, I needed to take the trash out.  To do this, I go down a small alley behind my house.  This disturbed my dad to no end --he hooked his flashlight on his belt and tucked his gun in his holster and we set out as though we were conquering a neighboring village.  Me in my pajama pants and he with his gray haired swagger.

When we returned, he tried to tell me he was going to leave his flashlight for me.  The dialouge went something like this:

Me: I really don't need a flashlight
Dad: What if your power goes out?
Me: I have candles
Dad: How will you see to find your candles?
Me: I just know where they are
Dad: But what if you don't?
Me: *smacks my forehead*

Dad can frustrate the life out of me sometimes.

They left this morning, and I came home to a still, silent house for the first time in awhile.  I went to my bedroom to change clothes and found on my dresser--the flashlight.

There was a note underneath that he had hastily scribbled:

"Find your way home."