Walking and Balking

I have taken to walking around.

During my lunch hour one day, I felt the urge to move...so I did. I got up, and instead of getting in my car to go home for lunch or sitting down at my desk with a frozen dinner or sandwich, I just put on my coat and ipod and left.

I walked and walked and walked. And I've done it every day during lunch since. I toyed with the idea of walking to work (although it would take me well over an hour, most likely) but quickly dismissed that insane idea. It feels good, to get out and breath fresh air and feel like I'm doing something good for myself and moving myself around instead of sitting in my desk chair, staring at my monitor.

It's getting harder to simply sit at my desk and stare at the same beige walls every day. I am being challenged with my work, but yet I find its not good enough sometimes to quell my restlessness. I am fidgeting; tapping my hands, swinging my legs, breaking my pens. I'm not sure what the pent-up energy is other than a brighter sunshine outside with the turn of the seasons beginning to peek through. It's my absolute favorite kind of weather...sunny and 60. Perfect. Cool enough so I can walk for an hour and not be too sweaty to go back to work and warm enough that I don't need a heavy coat.

This walking makes me think, allows me to explore my thoughts in a more objective way when I am out among people in the sunshine--it's more scary to delve into self-reflection when you're alone at night and it's easier for darkness to fall into your heart instead of just outside your windows.

I find myself very surprised to be where I am in my life, and I spend alot of time talking to God. No--more like imploring to God. I'm not even sure what I want in return other than a frantic plea to somehow show me what I'm "supposed" to be doing. Maybe I'm actually doing it, and he's up there rolling his eyes that I still somehow think there's 'more' to life than making a living, having enough to eat and people around me to love.

When I walk, I walk in circles around the same city blocks, which I find very metaphorical and sometimes makes me giggle to think of the irony. I'm sure the people on the street just think I'm one more crazy person, laughing at the voices in my head...maybe I am :)

Circling the blocks, circling through the day-to-day routines that define me and confine me.

I listen to Patty Griffin when I walk.

Connection and Peace

I admire people who blog every day--no, I adore them. For example, the insightful and hilarious Ms. Moon, who updates very nearly every day before noon, which I greatly appreciate since I need something light to read when I'm on my lunch break along with the online, often depressing, daily news. I wish I could write like that every day. It's somewhat of an issue of time, since I can't do any blogging during work and I'm often not in the mood to write late at night when I'm at home winding down for the night. I think of all these great things during the day that I'd love to write about, but by the time I'm on the couch, I'm too tired to write them all out.

But I wish I could. I wish I could make myself do it every single day, like the way I wish I could make myself work out at the gym every single day. I like my workouts, I love the feeling afterwards...it's just putting my shoes on and getting in the car that is the toughest step. I enjoy writing and I feel satisfied when I'm done too, not because it's a chore but because I know it's good for me to get things out in the open. To connect with others, since I am somewhat of a loner at heart.

But lately, I have been thinking a lot about connection, internet connection to be exact and Facebook to be very exact. I am beginning to suffer a bit from well, information overload from Facebook.

Alot of articles have been written about the wonders and joys of Facebooking--and I don't want to be redundant. Yes, it is fascinating that a set of status updates can include your sister, your high school best friend, your old colleague, some guy from college that you would barely speak to on the street, and Barack Obama. Yes, it is somewhat boring to see the constant stream of Friday status updates of "So and so is so ready for the weekend" and the Monday status updates of "So and so isn't happy it's Monday!" And no, I really don't ever care to know what every friend on my socially-networked world is having for lunch.

But here is what gets me: when these status updates replace actual human interaction altogether, when I find out major news from people I care about via Facebook and when I find out that my online world may just be becoming a bit TOO small.

For example, in the last week alone, here are three titles this blog could have been based on my Facebook experiences:

1) My grandmother is now my Facebook friend
2) Facebook told me that my sister is getting married
3) Facebook told me my cousin is pregnant

Seriously?

Now, it should be noted that my sister (who is my step-sister, technically) is marrying a guy she has dated for about 5 weeks now, and I dont know if the rest of the family knows or not. So Facebook has presented me with a huge challenge--start the famiily drama? Plead ignorance and pretend I haven't seen this news (and tell my mother on the side and swear her to secrecy)? Dont tell anyone?

Thanks Facebook, for giving me one more stressor in my life. Thanks.

And it's not only the big stuff...I find myself relying on my online life more and more. It's different than when I was young and cruised the chat rooms because it was all so neat and cool--it's sending an email or Facebook message when I could really just pick up the phone. Checking my email 15 times a day, logging on and off Facebook a zillion times a day to see who is online, etc. I spend my whole workday staring at a computer screen in between dealing with the everyday drama's of the day...and now I realize I'm in such a habit of doing the same thing with my nights.

Sometimes it all just feels like too much. And I need to take a BIG step back.

In other news, a thunderstorm is brewing here. A send-off to a good, sunny, warm weekend that for me, was filled with two kids' birthday parties on Saturday and lots of family time outside which is always fun. I cleaned out some closets today and my Mom came up to help me do that and take some of my winter stuff to store at her house. A full, productive weekend, and I'm pretty content here now on the couch :) I'm going to put in a movie, light some candles, maybe have a glass of wine and watch the storm roll in--and be grateful for a peaceful night.

Casual Sunday

I slept for two hours today. I hate napping, but over the last few months, have developed a deep appreciation for the sleep catch-up midday. Before this, I spent three solid hours watching my new DVD set of the first season of Studio 60 by the great Aaron Sorkin. Luckily this brilliant show lives on in DVD, as it was only on for one season.

My only outing was the grocery store and seeing the snow on the ground, I seriously debated in staying in my pj's the entire day. But I ventured out, picked up a few things, and came back to perform open-heart surgery.

On a cat toy, that is.

My kitten loves those "wand" toys where I can dangle the toy or make him chase it, jump for it, whatever. The ones I get for him have a fish on it (they are 2 bucks from the Rite Aid up the street, so he gets only those). Anyway, he's had a few of these but he always ends up scratching them so the stuffing falls out and I eventually have to trash it. When he does that, the little bell thing comes out too and so he loses interest when he can't hear it jingle. So today, when another "jingle" toy fell apart, I captured the bell and stuck it in one of the previously disabled stuffed fish.

I got the bell, stuck it in there, and put the whole thing together with duct tape.



Survey says...Happy kitty.

That guy up there was my hot date this Valentine's Day. My nephew Luka, now 20 months and growing into quite the active little boy, spent last night with me so his parents could go out on a much needed date and have some time to themselves to celebrate something they don't do nearly enough--their life together.

I watched Luka last year too for Valentines Day. He was only a baby then, and was cutting teeth on my papasan chair :) He cut through the "seams" that wrapped around the base, and I could have cared less. I still don't. They are frayed and it reminds me of him and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have never, ever been one to care about "things" like that. I hope I don't ever start.

They were incredibly appreciative when they came to pick him up, still sleepy in his pj's. We laughed about how he was my date again this year...my brother in law said something like, "I have a feeling next year will be different." I'm sure he meant that as a compliment, a way to make me feel better about being by "myself" this year.

And I don't know. Maybe it will and maybe it won't. Maybe I'll be off having a Valentine's date of my own, or maybe I'll have Luka on my couch watching a movie with me, or maybe I'll be in another city doing something else entirely.

Every day, I feel the winds of change around me...rustling the leaves and whispering in my ear that something better may be just around the corner. What that might be, I have no idea right now. I find myself, at random times of the day, whispering prayers under my breath for me to see some kind of sign of what I'm supposed to do.

Start new and let go of old ties that keep me bound to a certain place, a certain peice of myself, a certain role that I keep playing in my relationships. Or re-define those ties and allow them to give way to something different, maybe ten times better than I could have ever have imagined.

I don't know.

But I will. It's getting closer every day--and until then, I have sweet reminders that I have it pretty good. Sweet reminders that good things come to those who wait...

Sickness and Snow

This could be the most boring post ever, so I'm at least adding pictures!








Today was the first time I've left my house since Monday. Kentucky has been smacked with an ice/snow storm that has left thousands without power or water. My parents (both sets) are without electricity and one is camped out with an aunt and uncle (I think), and the other set is making due with a wood-burning stove and fireplace.

My office has been closed for the last two days--our very first snow days ever! We get delays and stuff but never a shutdown like this. Which has been wonderful because I've been sick as a dog (I hate that expression, but still, it comes out) since this past weekend.

I hate being around other people when I am sick and feeling my most vulnerable so it hasn't been that bad. On the other hand, I desperately need to see a doctor. I keep running a fairly high fever and I think I have either strep throat or bronchitis or whatever, either way, it's nothing good. If I need antibiotics (I rarely do, it seems to just be a once-a-year deal for me) I wish I could just get them. I am making due with Tylenol and hot tea, but on the whole, the last few days have been fairly miserable.

But, being off work has helped tremendously and I'm so glad that if I have to be sick, I got sick right now. Today though, I had a friend come to fetch me and take me to Rite-Aid and then actually helped me scrape inches of ice off my car in case I can venture out tomorrow and go to work or the doctor...it was nice to get out and get some air, it actually made me feel better.

It's been an interesting couple of days and I realize how grateful I am to be "connected" virtually through Facebook and blogging, etc because with no one to talk to (not that I had a voice anyway) but my lovely little kitten, it can get old. Fast.

Grateful to be connected to friends, not quite as grateful to be connected to work, which carried on as usual thanks to webmail.

And glad to be with power, with heat, and with tylenol :)

What is it about this time of year that awakens my senses and heightens my awareness at all levels? I have so much to say that it is hard to know where to start—I guess that’s a cliché for a reason. I keep thinking about Obama’s impending inauguration, which is alternately thrilling me and scaring me into a rushed sense of “let’s-just-get-this-overwith-so-it-can-really-be-real-and-can’t-be-somehow-taken-away” urgency. I want to savor this precious point in history, which waits on the brink of…greatness? Hopefully. The unknown—certainly. A new day, new beginning.

This is one of those times when I miss living in DC. Many times that city crosses my mind, dances in and out of my consciousness when I hear a certain song or clutch a cold beer. At work when I still catch myself looking around for former co-workers to tell them a funny story. But this—oh this excitement is something that can’t be matched anywhere else but right there. Right there in the crowded and small and cold downtown with its white marble etched with names of those long ago gone.

Etched with memories for me, on every block.

I remember when President Reagan died, and his funeral processional was to pass through downtown DC on its way to the Capitol to lie in state for a few days before burial. Work let us go early that day, in a nod to the historic nature of the event, which was extremely out of character for my boss. But she relented and we jumped on the metro and ran to sidewalks to bear witness to history.

I stood with my friend beside a tree, among a huge crowd but somehow I was in the front. I waved at Nancy Reagan who stared forlornly out the car window before waving back at me. I stared at the casket of the man who was President when I was born.

It slowly passed by and we watched it until it turned the corner. We patted ourselves on the back for participating, and then I’m sure, went off in search of beer.

I felt a sort of energy in the air that day, and during the many days when I had the chance to watch history unfold before my eyes before casually walking back home to heat up a frozen pizza.

But this is the time to be in DC, and I am not. I have a twinge of regret about this, but it is okay. I will watch on TV with the rest of the nation as we place a black man in our nation’s highest office and I'm not sure I will be able to hold back the tears. I will think about the symbolism of that moment, but also about the reality beyond the racial barriers being broken in front of my eyes. I will think about the reality of a nation awakening to change and advancing toward a new kind of future. I will think about how, on a warm day in November, the nation overwhelming responded YES to a promise of hope.

And I will think to myself, maybe for just a minute...what a wonderful world.

Sigh

There are some nights where sleep will not, can not, come. Last night was one. I fell asleep late, woke up on the hour, every hour and then had to awake for good at 6 to begin my work day after two whole weeks off.

It appears that tonight is another night like the last. Anxiety has a grip on me, depression is sitting beside me although it hasn't quite climbed into my lap. I hate feeling this way--especially with no real reason at all.

Christmas is over. Thank god! So I will take down the tree tomorrow, tape up the christmas box and replace the calendar on my refrigerator and try to shake off the vacation haze that has surrounded me and remember to get back to the daily grind.

The birthday present for Dad (posted below) was delivered in DVD format to the birthday guy--he absolutely loved it, and my whole family did too. I am happy about that. It's been an interesting past few days and blog subjects aplenty are right on my fingertips...ruminations and reflections to come, soon. But not tonight.

Tonight I need my thoughts to skip along the surface of the water of my mind and settle on the other side so that I can have dreamless sleep.

Happy New Year. 2009 feels like a lucky one...